Day 15- Happy Halloween

AM

Happy unofficial anniversary. I opened the card you slotted into my luggage this morning and felt overwhelmed with the smell of your perfume. I closed my eyes and just held it to me for a while before opening it, little bits of confetti dropping everywhere. Thank you so much.

Along with the card, I finally decided to read the letter you wrote to me the day you left for hospital. I couldn't bare to do it before now, it felt too painful to read the words that I knew were going to be in there. Instead of tears of sadness though, it filled me with hope, reignited the fight and reminded me all that this pain is for. As you say this is just the beginning... I want nothing more in the world to hold you right now, and tell you how your spirit and courage amazes me and to be able to communicate just how much your loving me means - something that I cannot express into language. It's something that can only be expressed through feeling, it's too magical to have a tangible representation. I read the letter over and over, drinking in your words, imaging you writing them and knowing what you felt. I miss you baby girl ... But love like this will survive through anything.

I think back to that night two years ago and how my life really did change forever. For the better, something shifted dramatically and I haven't seen the world in the same eyes since, everything has been so much more beautiful. I stopped feeling lost and became complete - you the missing piece to my puzzle. Though this is a time of difficulty, I know it not to be a test because I already survived that the first time I looked into your eyes in this new light.

*

When I got up this morning I immediately wanted to put on my Halloween costume. The Fairysaur (as you dubbed it). I have been trying for days to extract myself from my fleece lined tights, they made it as far as the washing basket last night, but I plucked them out and put them straight back on this morning. They are worse for wear, covered in bobbles of green fluff from my onesie. I want to go about my day in the costume even though my butterfly wings won't allow me to sit in the car wearing them lol and I leave a glittery fluff trail everywhere I go. How you know and love me best right? Hehe. I am going to utilise the confetti you put in my anniversary card and wear it on my face :).

PM

Think we visited every shop in Cambridge this afternoon. Went to a nice second hand store - was more like a vintage type shop with none vintage clothes - you know good second hand. I saw a couple of nice bits and my Mum got two new outfits and a pair of boots which I was really pleased that she did. Across from there was an outlet type mall place and they had a shop full of replica 50's stuff - I was in love. All the retro Coca Cola stuff and kitchen appliances - I took pictures because it's an FYI of how I want our house to be in the future, where I will twirl around in my Snuffle Prawn dresses and an apron and bake pies and cupcakes all day hehe. It's a good job I have a baggage allowance or it would've been so long to the rest of my funds. I was behaved a just took pictures. Following that we went to a specialist Halloween pop up shop but just looked around and then to Bulk Barn for Halloween goodies and then on to FreshCo which is like the cheap supermarket here and got some groceries. I picked up a few bits and pieces but you will have to wait and see what they are.

I have put Rubysaur on now but not done my confetti face or put my wings on yet - saving that for a bit later on. I went to Walmart in it though to get decorations and things! We trimmed the porch up with lights, spider webs, skeletons, pumpkins and things and sat out to give the trick or treaters their "candy". It was cute seeing all the little kids in their costumes. Some personal favourite costumes included a taco, Strawberry Shortcake, a kid with a GIANT pumpkin head, lots of tiny tots as M&Ms and my personal favourite was two little guys as spacemen in home made costumes made out of tin foil, turkey trays and they had light up parts on them too. Had a lot of visitors despite the rain and it was nice to join in the festivities. I saw a couple of mini dinosaurs too - actually they were my favourite ;) .

It got cold sitting out so after we ran out of sweets we came inside and I hunted through Netflix to find a Halloween movie but there was nothing much - well none of the ones I had in mind.  I wish I could've shared in all this with you and knowing you're not having the best time makes me just want to come home and cuddle you. Halloween is OUR party of the year... not least because it's a significant time of year for us as a couple too. I was glad to see you in your onesie as I had mine on too - look forward to onesie snuggles when I am home.

Happy Halloween
Happy (unofficial) Anniversary
And Happy 15 days of survival.

Love Rubysaur xx

Day 14- Hibernating

AM

I had a mercifully good nights sleep and I feel so, so much better for it. That was without taking meds and through the wildest part of the hurricane storm. I think thinking about the ark was what did it, despite the howling wind and thrashing rain against the windows, I knew I was safe cosied up with you in my head.

I had cigarettes to wake up to this morning thanks to you reminding my Mum and I have enjoyed a slow morning. Had a nice long shower and I've decided not to do much today besides playing iPad games, watching Netflix and maybe doing some drawing or something with crayons later. Hoping to go to Michaels tomorrow to get some crafting goodies, both to do here and bring home. Today is most certainly a hibernation day. I am glad to know you have a similar theme in mind after you rescued that little hedgehog to make him safe for the winter.

I seem to feel permanently hungry at the moment, whilst this makes me very uneasy I am trying to go with the flow. I know my body needs more reserves for the winter and being so cold permanently for days on end, to the point where I am in pain, I am trying to be a little kinder to myself. I need to be strong to look after you when you come home and get myself through this winter mostly on my own. Need to store up to last through the cold months, ready for our rebirth in the spring, new life, new starts.

PM

I seemed to find myself dozing early this afternoon despite all the sleep I had last night. Feeling quite soporific.

We went out to Michael's today in the end - you would have been proud of me buying only things  that are on sale. I'm not going to go into what I got too much as some things are a surprise for your birthday- I really hope you like them. Also went into Walmart today and Dollarama. I purchased a few bits and pieces to bring home. Now that the states trip is off I am allowing myself to spend a little bit of money. I played with my crayons a little bit (like a good little Mousey) when I came back - sat amongst all my purchases spread out on the floor - like I do at home when we have been on a Hobby Craft run. I got a little keep sake for you, myself and Anna and I want to make little boxes to gift them to you in. It's the same thing essentially but all slightly different. I may work on things to go with them over the next few days though I need a few things from our craft stash at home to finish them.

This was the picture I drew for you - I hope you are very proud *chuckles*:

It's you as a Sausage :D

Mum and I went quite loopy eating sweeties later this afternoon. Generally causing mayhem and terrifying the cat. Was a giggle anyway. We watched Burlesque on Netflix (even though we'd both seen it) and generally just had a bit of fun. It felt good to laugh and feel quite carefree for an afternoon.

Made an evening trip out to Zehrs (grocery store). We were initially going to get more sweeties but thought better of that as we both felt rather sick. Just got some sensible things for the next few days. I paid a visit to the lobsters in the tank in the fish section and spent a while talking to them like a mad person. They made me feel sad seeing them all squashed in there with their claws taped up ... knowing they will be that way until someone buys them to take home and cook alive. I think I might stop eating fish after that experience. I wanted to buy one and let him live in the bath but I don't think Bonbon would've like that and I'm not sure a pet lobster would be allowed as hand luggage on the flight home... but maybe I can get a pet lobster when I am back? *puppy eyes*.

The drive back calmed me down a lot and I feel quite a bit more mellow this evening. The darkness slows me down and now the wind of the storm has dropped, the world feels calmer too. The long nights are drawing in and I'm preparing myself for when I come back to England. I am sorry I haven't had chance to chat to you on any form of instant messager today but you're always in my heart and most of my trips out and purchases were done for you or with you in mind. I know we messaged back and forth as always but I felt a little bit distanced from you as I got about my day and for that I am very sorry. Talked about you a lot though with my Mum today and she was helping me look for things to bring back for you that we thought you may have liked.

This is day 14 bbg - two whole weeks we have survived now.

I'm still missing you just as much, if not more than day one.

Mousey x

Day 13 - Ruby's Ark

AM

Groggy this morning - both me and the weather. I had a slow morning, taking my time to do things and come around slowly. I feel in a bit of a daze today.I am glad we are only 4 hours apart now that your clocks have changed. I odd feel closer to you because of it.

Hurricane Sandy is moving up the east coast of the USA and will hit here this afternoon so we need to prepare stuff for then. Things like taking the screen tent down (or it'll blow away) and secure the outside furniture and plant pots. It's a bit scary watching it on the news but I know what the American's are like for sensationalising things. We're safely far enough away from the coast and any of the Great Lakes here so we won't experience as much damage from tidal waves and the likes. Mostly it'll just be very strong winds (up to 100kph) and heavy rainfall. Unfortunately the hurricane means we probably won't go on our road trip to New York State but better safe than sorry.

Most of the leaves have already been ripped  from the trees. All the ground is a blanket of wet orange, yellow and read and swirls of leaves are dancing in midair. So much energy - you can really feel the storm coming. It's blasting away the end of Autumn with fury - I certainly can see the winter coming in by the minute.


PM

Took the screen tent down - not an easy task in whipping wind and icy cold rain. My little hands were frozen solid. I have taken to wearing my hat indoors at all times to try and keep me warm - despite the heating being on I seem to be permanently cold.

The storm should hit later on this afternoon. We went out to stock up the sweetie box, ready to stay indoors for the rest of the day and watch the storm safely on the inside. Probably won't be so dramatic but it's not nice outside anyway. I want to build an ark and hide in it - but animals go in two by two and my partner is 3700 miles away... So I am not going to build a real ark - just one in my head for you and me.

Interesting that you put your status about wanting to hibernate for the winter because that's exactly how I feel, and this ark would be the perfect place. It would have animals in too if you liked (mostly cats is my vote) and seperate sections for different things. It wouldn't be too big and very cosy, soft and cushioned like a womb protecting us from the outside elements, the outside world. It could have windows if you liked so we could look out - but just as easily shut the curtains on them. It'd be lit with soft lighting and we'd have all the essentials inside - like crayons and hot chocolate.

As day thirteen draws to a close I think my ark is where we should meet tonight in our dreams tonight.

Mousey x

Day 12 - On The Road Again

AM

Had a late night last night so it was unusual not to get out of bed until nearly 9am. You would've laughed at me this morning wrapped up like an Eskimo. I was doing a reverse butterfly cycle from winged last night to fully cocooned this morning! The forecast said it may snow here in Wingham this evening - and to think it was as hot as a British summer day on Thursday. Mental weather ... but then that will be a result of the hurricane that is moving up from the States.

We didn't stay long at Gayle and Peter's this morning - we're getting off early to visit some beautiful little places near Wingham on our route back to Cambridge.

PM

Stopped in a beautiful place called Goderich (yes I know it sounds like something from Harry Potter). Darren Booth had been telling me I need to see it for years so I am glad we went. It was stunning despite it being so blustery and cold. The town is set against Lake Huron and we drove up to the "beach" to see it. Such a vast space of fresh water - it was quite incredible to see. These great lakes are bigger than some seas - much bigger than the Mediterranean but it's all fresh water. The size of things over here make me feel so small but in some ways that was comforting. Mum and I both said how we have to come back here in the summer with you next year so that you can see it too.

We had brunch in a diner, a proper style diner and I had the biggest portion of pancakes I have ever seen in my life. I nearly had a heart attack when it arrived - but it was fun to have something authentic and I just ate what I could manage.

From Goderich we drove to a place called Stratford and the drive was lovely - so much open space and farm land as far as the eye could see. We were getting ideas of towns where my Mum could potentially move to but that was still in reasonable driving distance to work for her. I couldn't help looking at all the different houses dotting about and imagining you and I living there one day. Picket fence galore over here SB :) .

We must of driven a total of nearly 200km today - that some distance covered and I was incredibly sleepy when we came back to the house. Funny how travelling makes you tired even though I had just been sat in a seat all day. Was lots to take in and process for my brain though and I was day dreaming of you being there the whole time.

I am going to have to have an early night because I will no way last until later on... home all day tomorrow so I should be able to give you a more informed blog then.

Day twelve passed by...

Mousey x

Day 11 - You Give Me Butterflies

AM

Getting ready to go over to Gayle & Peters today for the Halloween party. Having internet access until tomorrow evening may be an issue so I apologise for the backlog in your blogs, but I intend to continue to hand write them and copy them up so everything is still fresh.

I am looking forward to being a butterfly tonight - the symbolism of being ready to fly ...

This morning was spent packing and travelling through the countryside surrounding this area - all the open expanse is mind blowing. It's hard to comprehend the amount of space here! This entire country has half the population of the UK yet the land mass off the UK fits inside just the one provinces, just into Ontario five times ... if that gives you an idea of the vastness!

PM

Gayle and Peter's home is lovely - they have most of their furniture bought from auctions and it's a fantastic collective ensemble. I loved it anyway. The heating is being fixed in their house at the moment so it was very, very cold but I put loads of layers on and we mostly huddled in their living room with the poochies Otto and Sam.

Peter had made us home-made beans for supper and Gayle had baked pumpernickel bread and rosemary bread - it was very delicious and  warming to set us up before going to the Halloween party at the Legion.
I had a lovely time in there - a really lovely bunch of people. We sat at a table with others and got chatting to people around us. There was a live artist on playing a lot of old country music but it was so fitting to the setting. I got talking to a man named Paul who worked with the Legion a lot whose daughter apparently visits  England a lot and loves it there. He was lovely, he and his wife Shelia - I  think you'd have loved them too. Warm and bubbly people. They were in charge of picking the prizes for costumes and I think I won purely on being a visitor to the country. It was so nice to be made to feel so welcome.
As the night drew on and the bar shut, something that Paul said really struck me, he went and bought a round of drinks for everyone announcing, "we're here for a good time, not for a long time" and it really has stayed with me...

The evening finished with the final song being Elvis, "Can't help falling in love with you". I watched the various older couples slow dancing together and shed a little tear for missing you. We'll still be slow dancing when we're that age Snuffy, still very much in love.

Day eleven down.
Eleven days closer to slow dancing closely through the rest of our lives.

Mousey xx

Day 10 - Don't Look Back

AM

The temperature this morning is 16 degrees, that's the high for today - the weather here is very weird but on the whole it stays in double digits for the day - I am not complaining at all. Today will be my last day of being home alone as my Mum is off for the next nine days until I fly home :D .

Baking is on the card again. Thank you for spending an abnormal amount of time chatting to me trying to decide what to bake. I enjoyed my little totter to the shops and back - especially when I realised when I got in that I had smudged my eyebrow pencil into an effective monobrow and must've looked pretty menacing lmao! I know I have let myself go of late but that was a bit of a piss take - see I need you for times like these - I'm not fit to be let out alone!

You gave me my theme for the day- "Don't Look Back". It was wonderful to talk about our dreams this morning, the wedding, our children, the book, the cafe and the way you were full of the future. It has pumped me full of creativity and I cannot thank you enough. After yesterday when I was feeling overcome with regrets this is a much more welcome approach - it is not about what has been it is what is about what will be.

PM

It was lovely to spend the afternoon being able to constantly IM with you and I am pleased to know that you have a good amount of time for weekend leave tomorrow. See it's really not going to be so bad when I come home - I'll be able to see you every day almost and on the weekends we can go on little adventures in Bertie.

This evening we went shopping for Halloween costumes - they were absolutely amazing. You would have loved it, it was a shame that some were quite pricy because I couldn't really fit them in my suitcase on the way back but I did buy some giant butterfly wings. I thought in light of everything I should be a butterfly - the symbolism is important ... I'm going to wear them with one of my swing dresses and paint my face up ... and then I am going to pretend I can fly.

I also got a masquerade mask on a stick, I had to - it's very like my tattoo. It is grey and black in velvet and lace - I may wear that tonight too though it doesn't strictly go with my wings. Another awesome purchase was a pair of 50's horned spectacles ... and the cashier couldn't find the label for them so I got them insanely cheap too. You know I have been after a pair for ages - these are red ... and they are more costume as they sit on the end of my nose but they are still pretty cool.

My cupcakes turned out pretty well in the end decoration wise - I wasn't happy with the density of the none chocolate ones but you know what I'm like.

Thank you for chatting to be all through tonight though I know it was impossibly late for you ...

Ten days done sweetpea.

Mousey xx

Day 9 - Apple Critters

AM  

Today I have come into my Mums work place. I feel a little on display and like I should've prepared stock answers about how I'm liking Canada etc. I put my favourite navy dress so I am ready to be "best in show" once again. Smiles out, charm on. As lovely as it is meeting everyone and putting faces to names I find it difficult making conversation with people at the moment. Doesn't help that the office is all open planned. Though in saying that, I think it's an environment I could see myself working in, I would have no issue working for a big company, having my little desk with pictures of you in it etc, doing my quota and going home. Looking around here mostly people are just chatting over their stalls anyway!

Mum has sent an email out to invite people to come and have my cupcakes - I have labelled them up all pretty. Writing the descriptions I felt like a contestant on Cupcake Wars- you know the elaborate way they describe what their cupcake is. Check this, "Autumnal Spice" : "a rich buttery moist cake sponge infused with honey, oats and ginger, topped with vanilla buttercream, topped with crumbled chocolate and honeycomb pieces". I took the piss a little bit writing it but I figured that people may not get it, given a) my sense of humour and b) not knowing the context. I knew you'd find it funny. 

I'm going to go to the St Jacobs Farmers Market for lunch and will stay there after it. I enjoy it there, I bought a lot of things there in the past and there's sheepies and fings for me to chill out with. I'll take photographs for you. I will have a few hours to pass but the weather is warm. No layers needed Sausage! Imagine!

PM

Spent the afternoon in the farmers market and after I had looked around the stalls once, I stopped to sit on a bench and people watch. It struck me that I have simply forgotten how to be alone. I haven't needed to be since being with you. I got to thinking about how halves of couples go on about the freedom of alone time and they relish being able to "do whatever they want" ... Well we do that together and that's how I like it. There's nothing, absolutely nothing I can think of doing that I wouldn't rather do with you. 

A particular highlight for me was seeing a woman pushing a pram with dogs in it! And another lady with a little poochie was passing a cd stall where the owner had his little dog just sat on top of the stock. The lady brought her little dog over to say hi and set it down next to the other. The little dogs got really excited and cds went EVERYWHERE. I found it really comical anyway.

After my break I went around the shops again, looking for a little gift for you or something but couldn't find anything that I thought you'd like. Instead I purchased some Worry Dolls. I know you have some and seeing them, I felt compelled to buy them. They're safe in my purse and can share my thoughts.

Then I took them and myself to the animal pens and sat there with them, I liked the company of the pigs, goats, cow, pony, sheep and chickens, despite the smell. They didn't seem to mind me, I wasn't bothering them and they weren't bothering me. I watched the piggies for a while. I remembered coming here in 2008 and seeing baby piglets and wondered if they are the same pigs. They were very sweet, all snorty and rummagey. At one point they were snuggling each other in the head and it made me giggle - I got some photographs of them- I know you'd have liked them.

I was sat on the very bench where I had my photo taken with my Mum those four years ago and couldn't help think about how so much had changed. I know I wouldn't be caught dead in the outfit I had on back then now anyway haha! It was a bit of thinking time for me and I did sit there for a good half an hour. The lady in the shop must have thought I was weird. I guess I did look out of place all dressed up as I was, sat a bench with hay and mud all around next to a pig pen. But I felt safe with the animals, they just carried on their business.

Back here in 2008 I was in the free fall of anorexia and here I was 4 years later still battling. The farmers market it full of incredible food and yet again I'd found myself here unable to participate, not enjoying my experience for the fear. It took me 45 minutes in the end but I got myself up and purchased a warm apple fritter, they are famous here and everyone in my Mums office said I had to try one. I ate it, I ate it as a massive fuck you to the voices in my head, a fuck you to the prisoner my illness has kept me and for how anorexia was the reason I was sitting on that bench on my own anyway. 

We're going to come here together next year Sausage and we can visit the pigs and eat warm apple fritters together. 

Nine days down,

Nine days closer to us being triumphant. 

Love Mousey x

Day 8 - Short But Sweet

AM

I have been saying today that I am living still on UK time waking up so early - but I am actually on Sausage time. My brain knows when to wake me up so that the routine of the day is the best for catching you for chatting during the day and my routine follows yours really throughout the day.

Had a cigarette on the porch this morning in Rubysaur whilst the local children were walking to school at the top of the street. I got some looks, I really wanted to roar- but I didn't. Very tempting though. I save my roaring for special people ;) . Today the plan is to do a lot of baking to take into Mum's work for her colleagues - I could do with your peanut butter baking expertise :P . Just kidding.

I am feeling more upbeat this morning - I have put loud music on - helps a lot ... and I'm silently congratulating us for our genius co-ordination of transatlantic time tables today. You have gone off for your walk, snack and to get ready for your family visiting and that's giving me time to get myself dressed, nip to the shops and then do my baking - ready to reconvene at the screen (see that - epic poetry skills) later on.

PM

Okay so my baking is taking longer than anticipated - but I am a skilled multi-tasker. I have been having a lot of fun today - taken my mind of lots of things. I wish you could've been with me though - especially as the mess would probably have been much less devastating with you around  to help me clean up! I have baked classic Victoria sponge, chocolate peppermint and spiced honey oat cupcakes - the latter being thanks to your suggestion. I feel very sick after taste testing them! I needed you to check the chocolate ones though as you know I don't like them. I'm really happy with how they turned out - like you said, my secret is love ;) .

I was happy to hear your family came to visit for playing board games and that you got up to some naughtiness this evening too. Bad Sausage! *cheeky face* You know I love it when you are naughty and the knowledge you are in brighter spirits lifts my day too.

 I'm rather melancholy this evening and very tired so you may have to forgive me for keeping this rather short. However, I know music is a powerful communicator in the absence of my capacity.
I have been listening to Simon and Garfunkel for most of the evening, always makes me think of you but especially this song. I find much solace in it and it takes me to the places we choose to meet in our dreams when we cannot sleep side by side. In my opinion it is one of the most beautiful songs ever written and I wanted to leave you with it, a message and a gift to you in one.

I'd like you to be able to take a moment to listen to it with your eyes closed and know I am sending every word right to you.

For Josie, Wherever She May Be... I love you so much.

Eight days survived angel.


Mousey x

Day 7 - Book Womb

AM

I can't believe it'll only have been a week tomorrow that you've been gone - it feels like forever.
Another early start for me this morning but it was lovely wake up to a message from you in my inbox that seemed positive and with knowledge of leave. It's amazing that you'll get afternoons out on weekends as early as this - we can plan to do lots of nice things in those time slots.

It's raining heavily here this morning, it's unusual for it to be continual - usually short heavy bursts, but then I guess I haven't really been in Canada at this time of year before. Suits me really as I'm feeling a little slowed down today (be the meds again no doubt - not quite sure what I'm going to do when I come off those). After Mum left for work I drank my tea in bed as you said it was a blissful experience for you and so I shared in that with you - albeit several hours and several thousand miles later. One of my favourite things in the whole world is cuddling in bed with you listening to the rain - is there really anything cosier?

Mum and I went out for dinner last night to a vegetarian restaurant (a rare novelty over here). It was called the Zen Garden and it was like a little haven inside. Very tranquil, more like a spa  than a restaurant. She served us the house tea which was oolong with lavender infused in it - was very calming. The experience was exactly what I needed really after feeling so all over the place earlier yesterday. You would've loved it in there - when you come over I will take you there as there were so many vegan options. Drinking the tea made me think of the Mystery Tea House - I would like to go there with you when I'm back please? I've become a real tea junkie lately - bit by bit it's creeping in, it's because the weather is getting colder. This morning I had Orange Blossom - which I know will not appeal to you at all but I loved it and I'm gradually working my way through a box of green tea with pomegranate. I may bring you some nice teas back from a place called Teavana.


PM

I feel like I am in a cocoon in the house today - it's a little womb and I feel safe inside. I'm quite glad in some ways that it is raining and I don't feel like I "should" be outside. I need to remember that this is supposed to be a time of rebuilding for me too.

I spent much of the morning reading on the bed - it's a rainy day and it looks as though that is how it is going to remain. I think I will stay indoors and make the most of not doing much. Reading is a good way to pass the time and rest without over thinking. I have finished my book from the airport now but I think I may have to go out and buy some others ... think I'll get me a library card when I come back to England and I think I'd like to pick some books out to bring for you to read too. I used to enjoy our trips around the library in Tottenham- picking out our reads for the tube, it's randomly one of my fondest memories of being in London.

I guess there are many ways you could pass your time, but few compare to the escapism of reading a good book. Get lost in someone else's life and be free from your own for a while. My Granny ("our Bex") used to say to me as a child; "you'll never be lonely so long as you have a good novel", and I guess there is some truth in that. I like the way my world seemed to stop for a while whilst I submerged myself in the story. Concentration is something I struggle with - as you know - especially whilst experiencing so much anxiety, but like with anything it's worth giving it a go. If you can't do it you can always put a book down - it's not going to judge you is it? It's about finding a book that does grab your interest I think, and easily - I couldn't read just anything.

I haven't been feeling too well this evening - but I enjoyed going out to the shops with my Mum - got you a little present. It isn't new, got it in a charity shop but I think you'll like it - I saw it and thought of you. Nothing spectacular but it was one of those saw it and thought of you moments. We also went to Bulk Barn - which is just awesome - every baking thing imaginable. We'd have a field day when we're back in our baking hey day - and to Dollarama which is the Canadian version of the Pound shop - but it was more epic. You'd have loved the cheap shop excursion!

Day 7 done - a whole week survived Sausage.
It's not getting any easier admittedly - but I doubt it ever will, if it got easier that'd mean I'd miss you less and that's impossible.

Love Mousey x

Day 6 - Miracles

AM

Was nice to wake up to a message from you this morning :) I was awake from 4:30am today (Canadian time) so at home it would've been 9:30am and that's fairly normal.
It's still dark at the moment and I had my morning cigarette with a cup of green tea with pomegranate under the stars on the front porch. It would've been more romantic if it wasn't only 2 degrees haha!

Today I have a little plan to just get my bearings and plan out my time. Mum is at work today but I asked her to leave her me her camera so that I can take some photographs of the beautiful trees for you. It's a bit odd actually, because I guess today will be the first time I have been really completely alone since you left but I don't feel the anxiety I had been doing. Though it pains me that we are so far apart - I do feel I am going to benefit from this bit of space to myself - so long as I keep being reassured that you are in safe hands. I hope to get some creativity going again, I would like to be able to write with some element of artistry to it ... instead of pages of rambles.

I have been freezing since I got out of Bertie at Preston train station yesterday morning so this morning I enjoyed a gloriously hot, long shower. I was pretty pink when I  got out - you'd have been impressed, but it didn't quite rival your lobster look when you get out of one of your insanely hot baths! I didn't even contemplate about what to wear today - I put the black jeans on that you bought straight away. I wanted something comfy and unpretentious. You have made me into a changed woman! I'm rocking "Snuffy Chic" in skinny jeans, baggy jumper, hat and arm warmers. I feel much cosier now.

PM

I did go on my walk this morning and it was just such a beautiful morning, but very cold. I took some pretty pictures and have posted them up on Facebook so you can see. I am doing my best to enjoy being here. I am loving being with my Mum and I am truly happy to be here and spending time with her - but I know I am depressed. It's just learning to manage that and be as kind to myself as possible. I enjoy being with my Mum so much and I will have fun - it's just alone that it feels like a light has been turned off.

I miss you so much. I have an ache in my heart that only you can fill, a pain that can only be eased by being held by you. That isn't to say I don't care about anyone else - or that I am unhappy to be here. It's just difficult to explain. I knew I was going to miss you - but I had no idea just how hard this would be. I feel disconnected with the world - I can see it outside of me but I feel like I'm detatched. Locked in my own silence at times. It doesn't last for long periods of time - and I guess that was the importance of coming out here - to challenge that with pleasurable activities. Intersperse the grey.

During our conversation online, when we both left for a cigarette - I stood up a little felt like I was going to implode with the heaviness in my heart. I went and sat myself outside on the roof and the heat of the sun was beating down on me with great heat but I felt dark. Like my body weighed thousands of tonnes- pulled inwards from the solid mass that is my heart. My blood had stopped pumping - I had concrete in my veins. I didn't breathe and I felt like my vision went black. I couldn't see for a few minutes. To be honest I  thought I couldn't cope with the grief anymore - the knowledge of you hurting is too much to bare at times. But when I was able to look up and out at the world again - I noticed a long silvery line ... and at first I thought it was a crack in my sunglasses but it was definitely there and swaying in the slight breeze. It took me quite a while to realise that it was a single thread of a spider web - starting from the fence post of the garden next door - and I couldn't see where it lead too. To my amazement - after a good couple of minutes of figuring it out - I traced it to the tree in our garden. At least six meters high - that single spider web stretched over the top of the garage to that fence post. It must've been at least fifteen meters long. From a single spider. It must've flown ... in fact surely it's not possible - but there it was, in plain sight. And it made me realise that though things made seem impossible they do occur ... nature is incredible. That spider won't have realised just how incredible what it had achieved was. I'm still blown away. If I had had the capacity I would've cried at the wonder of what I'd witnessed - what that tiny little spider had just proved to me.

I feel like I can't write anymore today. The words will come back.

This is day six down angel. Day six ... that has proved to be so very testing for us both. Both we're still here - though it might not feel like it sometimes - our hearts do still beat.

There will be light again soon.

Mousey x

Day 5 - Planes, Trains & Automobiles

AM

There was nothing more beautiful than being in bed with your arms around me this morning. Even though I couldn't really sleep last night, I was just very content and I felt rested anyway. When it came to getting up, I didn't want to. Of course I was so excited about my trip out to see my Mum but I didn't want the time of you being home to be over.

I kind of functioned through the morning trying to focus on the tasks at hand and not saying goodbye again. I wanted you to drive to the station because that way I could pretend you were just dropping me off and would be going home again and be there when I'm back again. Even my imagination isn't that good at keeping me in the denial though.

Thank you for waving me off on the train platform.

The airport time went through pretty smoothly. The queues for check in were mental as there was a flight to Calgary at the same time through the same airline but the rest went pretty okay. We timed things well so I had only a little bit of time to pass in the departure lounge. I got frisked through security - very rude! However they have updated things since I last went through Manchester airport - you stand in front of a comical SARK-esque drawing of a body and hold your hands over your head whilst a machine scans you - rather than people touching you. I  found the whole process a tad comical anyway.

PM

I bought An Apple a Day to read in WHSmiths - think it'll do me good to read and I'll let you read it when I'm back. I also had a sly trip into Paperchase ... would've been rude not to no? I wish you were there to help me pick the stickers - but I picked out a couple of little bits that I can maybe send to you or bring for your room when I'm back.

I felt a bit sick getting on the plane - mostly because I knew I was going to be disconnected from you for 7 hours or so. Even though not being with you physically is hard enough, there has been much solace through our little phone screens. You were in my heart though and as I said to you - whilst I was up in the sky I could  beam down so many snuggles from the sky.

I won't go into the details about my flight - it wasn't the most pleasant! I know you would've growled at some people for repeatedly elbowing me in the head. I can't wait until you can go on an plane for the first time. Everything has become rather routine to me now but I guess it is really exciting as a new experience. My seating circumstances were unfortunate but otherwise it was a good trip.

When I got off the plane I put my phone on straight away to try and text you but apparently it picks up no service at all here - probably just as well because I would've spent a fortune no doubt over the duration of my stay. It did panic me a bit but I knew my Mum would keep you in the loop and you could sit tight for a while.

It was amazing walking into the departure lounge and my Mum screamed! And we just ran to each other and had a massive long hug. Lol - everyone was looking at us and smiling but it was a very special moment. Then she gave me a hug from you as well and that really warmed me right to the core. I wish you could be here so, so badly and I know my Mum does too. Driving back from the airport, my breath was taking away by the beauty in this country at this time of year - so much space and so much colour. I kept wishing I could take snap shots with my eyes and send them to you. ... I know I bang on so much about the beauty of autumn - but it really does touch something within me that is difficult to explain. I just want to share anything that beautiful with you.

When I got in and unpacked my case - I found the card you had snuck in it and felt a rush of a emotion knowing that I had quite literally carried a piece of you in my suitcase with me and I didn't even know. Thank you so much - I will open it on our anniversary.

I was glad you were still awake to send the odd message back and forth even though it was getting very late for you - I will try my best to navigate around the time difference anyway.

This is day five down - possibly the longest of them all too.
Five days closer to freedom.
Five days closer to when you may possible be able to come out and share all this with me too.

Love Mousey x

Day Four - ReVision

AM

Another 5am rise for me today. I wanted to be able to sleep in longer today to keep energised for when you’re going to be spending a night at home tonight – but it wasn’t anxiety that kept me from sleeping – it was sheer excitement today. I waited in bed for an hour and a half before getting up and taking an early morning drive to Tesco. Being able to drive is just going to make such a difference. I’m feeling pretty impressed with myself this morning because I managed to have a cigarette whilst on the road – mastering the art! I also enjoyed belting out Annie Lennox on the way home *chuckles*.

Tesco was completely dead – as to be expected at 7:20 in the morning on a Saturday – only we mentalists pottering about at that time. I felt a bit sad though as the trip wasn’t fun without you. There was nobody there for me to throw a strop at in the toy isle.

Thinking about what I want to write to you is helping me take in the world in such a different manner. It makes me think of from a line from song that I love;

“Heartbreaktown is pretty
Now that all the leaves are gone and it's
getting colder every day
My heartbreaktown is more lively now that you're not here
Heartbreaktown reminds me all the time that I am
still very deeply in love with you”.

If there is any major positivity that can come from this difficult time, it is that I find it easier to tap into creative resources. I see things in new sight and interpret them with better care and attention than I might if I was busy bustling through life blindly. I only want to share the good and beauty of life with you and consequently it’s making me see with different eyes. I want to thank you for that, for allowing me to bring the magic of the external inward. Even tears quite literally change what I can see, that blur becomes a kaleidoscope of colour and then it’s as Anne Frank said, “I don’t think of all the misery, but of the beauty that still remains”. Wise chick that one.

PM

I’m coming to get to get you!

Four down

Sleeps with me tonight :D

Mousey xx

Day Three - Autumn

AM

I woke up at 5am, I was ready to roll over and give you a cuddle and fall back to sleep as is routine but of course you weren’t there … I felt all out of kilter and had to get up. I’m still fuzzy from my meds. I guess I feel the best early in the morning since you’ve been gone. It’s nicer that the world is quiet, everything feels slow and more on my pace. After about 10am I am useless – my heart’s racing so fast that I feel a constant need to scream … my body knows that something is really not right; it knows that half my spirit is missing.

I made an appointment for later this morning with my GP (see without being told to!) – might see if there is something she can suggest that may be able to slow me down on a more steady basis. I’m not a great believer in medication for things of the mind, but it might just get me through for a while.

It really is eerily still today, no wind – if I didn’t know better I think I could imagine myself as being completely alone on the planet right now – I guess that is how I feel anyway. This is not a “woe is me” type of thing, I don’t feel I am hard done to or sorry for myself particularly … it’s just how I’m experiencing things. I do feel alone even when I’m not. People, friends, family etc have been absolutely wonderful, I feel bowled over by the amount of messages and offerings of support I have been given – and to extend to you. I know how blessed I am to have such a wonderful collective but I don’t feel like I can talk just now. Company will always be welcome to pass the time but in terms of “doing” anything for me … I guess nobody really can, because the only thing I really need is you.

I’m going to take the letter you wrote me to the SEED support group today. I’m going to try and read it. Quinn is coming along for the journey (to sit in the car and play her DS lol) and then I’m going to attempt to drive us over for to visit you. I think I may cope better driving in the day time … threw myself right in the deep end yesterday… but I did prove to myself that I can do it. I think we’re both surprising ourselves with our resilience and ability to cope. I mean that about you too, though I doubt you’re viewing yourself the same way. Though it causes so much pain to see you cry – I view those tears as droplets of strength… you hardly ever cried at home, mostly because you were shut off to feeling to survive. I think it’s taken immense courage and bravery for you to begin to let them show, to expose yourself to those feelings, even though it’s absolutely terrifying. It shows you care so much BBG, it shows how hard you’re trying.

PM

My doctor was wonderful this morning, she fixed me up with what I needed physically and got me to sit in the room for a while to help calm me down and just talk to me. Upon leaving she put my coat back on to me and gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. How many people’s GP would do that? She said she would give me a call when I am back from Canada to see how I am. She’s looking after me really well physically and that bit of compassion makes a huge difference mentally too – do not worry – I am being looked after.

I walked to the doctors this morning, mostly because I didn’t fancy my chances trying to park Bertie in that tiny, tight car park. I was struck by the beauty of the season as I trundled through Longton, as you know it is my favourite season but I feel so much more in tune with it this year. I really feel as though the leaves are weeping from the trees, but they are tears of release. The trees are getting ready to hold tight for a couple of months of harsh conditions, and perhaps they are frightened, or saddened that the summer is no more … but we both know they will regenerate, regrow and be more glorious than ever come next spring.

I went to SEED group this afternoon. To be honest I just remained light hearted and dismissive, I couldn’t talk about how I was feeling at first regarding you, though of course they asked. I just said “it’s hard”. I drew a butterfly for a while, wanted it for your wall in your room but I wasn’t happy with it – you know I can’t draw. It had to be right for you, maybe I’ll practise over the weeks. Once Gemma came into group I chatted to her for a little while before she took me out of the room for a while. I found it a little harder to hold it together then. She was very good and understanding, to be honest I can’t really tell you what I said or what she said in return but that she reassured me that you were in good hands, no matter how scared you may be. I know this, but I guess I’ll never feel that anyone would be able to make you feel as safe as I would try to.

After SEED I began my journey to try and come and visit you. I got so lost and so upset, I’m glad I had Quinn with me or I think I’d have just lost the plot completely. It wasn’t just the anxiety of being a new driver but the rising panic that time was slipping away from me. All that was running through my head was that, “I have to get to my baby”. It felt like some horrible nightmare as I continued to get lost – like I would never find you again and it was horrible. I’m sorry I was a physically shaking wreck when I finally got to you two hours later … and I’m doubly sorry that as a result we couldn’t spend as much time together.  I feel like such a failure – but I promise I will get better at it.

It was wonderful to see you more upbeat today, the atmosphere on the unit felt better today than yesterday and that reassured me a bit. It really cheered me up to see you had been doing some crafty type things today too. I know you don’t want to make your room too homely because you “don’t want to get too comfortable” but I think it’s important to try and make your living environment more cheerful. I hope you like the additions I brought today and please take good care of Pricilla Queen of the Desert, she can be cheeky.

I calmed down as I spent more time with you, I know it does seem crazy but I know that you are all the medicine I really need, everything feels so out of sorts for me because every part of me, mind, body and soul, knows something is really off balance. I managed the drive home much better, medicated by the visit and spurred on by the knowledge that you’re taking such a strong mental attitude. When we were sat in the garden having a cigarette I was really struck by what you were saying about why you had to do this and to be honest I was floored. I feel guilty that I am not managing better when you are being so incredibly brave… but I will get there.

I’m so excited that you may be granted special leave and sleep at home tomorrow night – it’s more intense than waiting for Christmas. Will need my meds to sleep tonight so that I am fully alert tomorrow evening to extract every second of you being there – I will pray all night that you are allowed out.

Three days down BBG.

Three days closer to spring.

Three done.

Mousey x

Day Two - The Show Must Go On

AM

My driving test today, I wished so much that you were here to talk me out of the silly things that run through my head about being failure and so on. I am attempting to take a new, kinder tactic, and view that sitting the test is an achievement enough considering all the current circumstances. Passing will just be a bonus. God I really hope I do pass though… I’ll be lying if I turn around and say I’m not bothered.

 Last night wasn’t so bad, I managed, mostly because talking on the phone to you helped me so much. I am discovering new things without you here – like that the washing up liquid smells really good – haha! I set up Gingerbread in your chair, with your hot water bottle on her lap – so that out of the corner of my eye as I’m playing on my iPad or whatever it kind of is like you’re sat there, tapping away on your phone or doing your crossword puzzles. I am so grateful you left me some sleepers because they did do the job and I slept through until 6am this morning. I think early nights may need to be a routine thing until I feel less afraid of being alone in the house at night. I placed your pillows under the duvet so that when I got in my usual sleeping position it did feel like you were behind me, spooning me … it was so oddly comforting and I think it’s what helped keep me asleep (along with a nice hefty dose of tranquilisers).

This morning there have been no tears – because I am clinging on to being able to see you later on today for a snuggle. I have armed my face with all the key elements – completed with red lipstick, I’m ready for battle – the show must go on. Mask on – facing the world.

I’m glad I’ve had a lot to think about this morning – passing the time is the thing I have been most afraid of, filling the hours without you so I don’t just notice the how empty everything feels. I’m keeping busy best I can. I’m still aware I haven’t read the letter you have left for me – I’ll get through the driving test first, then I’ll see if I can face it, especially after I will have been able to physically see you today.

I’m trying to hunt down your yellow fisherman coat to bring so you don’t have soggy cigarettes… but in typical fashion I cannot find anything without you here to tell me. I lost my cup of tea 4 times last night and I won’t even begin to count things like my phone etc … you know what I’m like!

PM

So I passed my driving test – God knows how. You were the first person I told, the first person I spoke to. I was mostly elated because it means that now I can visit it you so easily, whenever and daily. I felt so happy I could share good news with you.

Following the test was my first visit to see you in the unit. It was so wonderful to have physical contact, to see, touch and smell you. I won’t lie it did break my heart to see you in there and seeming so vulnerable. It hurts that I can’t stay to make it all okay – I just wanted to bundle you up in my coat and drive off. But I know why you’re in there, we both do and it is for the best. Each day you’re in, each hour, each minute, each second that passes is one closer to being you home and you being free. That’s what I keep telling myself.

My head was all over the place sorting insurance out and things, I do feel guilty for not concentrating more on the task at hand – but in some backwards way (and selfishly) it may have been better for me that way – so that that first visit didn’t feel too awful. Saying goodbye was hard – it was irritating that you had to be escorted to say goodbye – but it stopped me from crying too much.

I wish so badly you could have been there for my maiden voyage in Bertie… but it was probably just as well you didn’t, because I stalled going up the hill trying to get out of the hospital car park and you’d probably have been embarrassed at the amount of times I got over taken. I wished my P plates were flashing with a subtitle of “back the FUCK off” heh. Might make a bumper sticker… Or better still, “I’m a lesbian, I don’t like things up my arse!”.

I’m going to pick Quinn up from the train station shortly but part of me feels so guilty for filling up my time – I feel like I’m not dedicating enough time to just missing you. I know that sounds stupid, I know that is stupid – because there is truly not a SINGLE second when I don’t miss you when I’m not with you … but I feel like I have to keep going, I have to keep busy or I will just stop completely. I’ll be no use to you if I’m just a wreck – I need to be strong for us both. The world doesn’t stop turning even though we may want it to, we may need it to, it just doesn’t and I guess I’m just finding my way of keeping up the pace.

Day two done.

Two down.

Mousey x

Day One - Self Preservation

AM

Sark told me to keep writing, no matter what. So here I am writing.

I feel like I’m treading very carefully through a minefield at the moment. When I watched you drive away I let out one last sob and then I stopped – I had to or I would never have stopped. I can’t think about what is going on at my core, I’ll go mad. So instead I have come inside and started writing.

I am shortly going to remove all the dead flowers from the house, something I should’ve done weeks ago really but never mind- I am doing it today. Just being in the moment, one task at a time, allowing myself to be guided by the visual as opposed to thinking. I spot one thing that needs doing – 1. Flowers and then do that and then move on to 2. Empty Dita’s bowl and so on. I know I have the to – do list that you wrote for me but I can’t look at it just now for fear of the tears being unleashed.

I hope you don’t think it’s selfish but I cannot think about you right now, you’re there alright in my heart and my mind but I can’t home in on it. Not today, not just yet anyway. 

You know when I picked up the purple bunch of flowers to throw them in the bin I was completely amazed by how light they were – like they were just made of air and dust. They were so heavy on my birthday when they were fresh. I found it quite fitting really that they looked virtually the same, just a bit brown, just aged but it wasn’t until I picked them up that I realised just how much had gone on behind the scenes. I feel a little bit guilty for not paying them more attention.

I did really well for a while until I found that you’d written “I heart you” on the steam in the window. It caught me off guard as I was walking down the hallway. I looked up and the sun was coming through the glass and there it was. I stopped breathing for a second. Your essence all around me… but I wanted nothing more than to hold you in that moment, show you how much your thoughtfulness means to me, show you that I love you too.

PM

I have felt a bit like those flowers all day – virtually the same on the outside but hollow behind the scenes.

I went to spend the afternoon with Anna who gave me a big hug on greeting. I had been standing outside just trying not to think how much it pained me that it wasn’t you I was waiting for and it wasn’t you that was about to come out of the door. Time with Anna was lovely – I was so grateful to the distraction. She had asked me to bring a selection of “go – to” films, I took Calendar Girls, Mamma Mia, both versions of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and Matilda. In our usual indecisive nature we struggled to pick before I said we had to watch Matilda in your honour. It was a bit of a bitter sweet moment. We both truly wished you could’ve been there but we spoke about you often and texted throughout. I kind of didn’t think again to be honest. I focused on the sensation of being in Anna’s living room, somewhere new, and chatting about idle things, getting to know each other a little more.

I struggled when it was time to go home. I told Anna I was happy to get the bus. I wanted to push myself. I didn’t cope too well with the journey truth be known. Everything feels so loud and busy – even louder and busier when you are just by yourself with nothing to do but notice. I held back tears when I thought about how you used to hold my hand on the bus when I felt anxious or upset and I knew I was safe then. I put my sunglasses on instead – like you would have told me to do, so I felt hidden and protected from the world.

I think the thought of coming home to an empty house was just too much. I felt suffocated. I have really felt all day like I can’t breathe – it’s the only way I can describe it. I just thought about how hard today had felt and the usual solace in these situations was to come home to a cuddle from you… and you just weren’t going to be there. You rang me as I waited for the bus and I felt like I couldn’t speak, I wanted to lie on the pavement and cry until there was no water left in my body to cry out … but of course I couldn’t.

I got off the bus and found a pheasant feather. I picked it up, not quite sure why, but it felt important to take it home so I did.

I got in the house and the sobbing started but then it was the most wonderful feeling to be able to speak to you on the phone. It hurts so much to hear you crying too, it hurts so much to know that I can’t hold you and make you feel better through all this difficulty and fear. And it hurts that you can’t hold me too.

But this is day one done.

One day closer to you being back home ... and free. 

One down.

Love Mousey x