Day 33 - Little Love Rituals

In therapy at daycare today Ruth left off on a note to remember; that although we might feel alone it's important to remember the people who are always around us and support us. Even though they may not be there physically their "energy" always is - and that really struck a chord with me. In fact I wrote it on my hand.

During this group we also looked at different relationship types and when discussing the "co-dependant element" I got quite up on my high horse about how that so long as both individuals were happy and healthy why did "co-dependance" get such a bad rap. I said to Ruth that to me, that "co-dependance" structure to me transpires to "unconditional love" and that in fact I cannot exist without you and I had absolutely no desire to change that belief. I didn't want to live my life without wholly needing you and without you wholly needing me. Extracting our illnesses from the equasions (which we are doing and still remaining co-dependant) I didn't see why having this kind of relationship is a bad thing. I said I felt that why these relationship constructions might be the archiatype - I don't feel they can be made true of everyone situation in terms of what is "right or wrong".

I have no shame in admitting that this post has was actually inspired by an episode of "How I Met Your Mother". The central story line was about Marshall and Lily's little "love riutals" and the things they do for each other, particularly when apart. The episode plot line focused around how they were trying to move on from doing certain things in the name of the relationship "maturing" but found they couldn't give many of them up because they matter too much but in place of some older ones, new ones took their place.

As I am sitting here this evening I can't help thinking back about the rituals we used to have, such as how you we'd insert little post-it note love messages into each others bags or lunches, how we'd acknowledge every month anniversary of our relationship with a card or gesture, you always making the hot chocolates, me reading to you in your bath. I miss a lot of the things we used to do, the rituals and the routine, but like Lily and Marshall our relationship too is having to change - not "mature" as such, but adapt.

The beauty of this though is enjoying creating new love rituals with you. This blog is one, the way when I come to visit you always refill my hot water bottle and when you come out of the ward I always bring a drink for you and there are probably little things we do that we haven't been doing long enough to realise they are rituals. These are small and seemingly insignificant things but they seem to matter to me so much and help me feel connected to you. We cannot be together but the small things that we love about our relationship still have place to exist, reminds us both that this definitely doesn't mean that things are "on hold".

... and on that note "Monday I love you" ;) .

33 days we have survived  and we are still surviving.

Mousey x

Day 31 - The Importance of Being Angry

I wasn't good yesterday at all - pure Sausage withdrawal I think but I woke up this morning a bit more positive and looking forward to seeing you today. I'm feeling a lot of anger at our situation today, I'm annoyed that is because of being trapped in my own head and my own disorder that I haven't been even able to write this blog to you for the past few days.

Yesterday at SEED we began to work on making "Recovery Scrapbooks" - it's a lovely idea, to be filled with things that motivate us, inspirational imagery, quotes and affirmations. It is something I am going to continue working on as I feel it is important to have a visual representation and a reminder... That said I have a visual reminder everytime I look at your face. This is why I'm feeling so much anger - I know what I want, I know that you want it too and I have never lost sight of it - I know exactly where I want to be, why I have to keep fighting, it's the most powerful and beautiful thing in the world and despite that it can still feel impossibly difficult at times.

I think it's important to acknowledge this anger but more important than just acknowledge it - it needs to be used. From our conversations today I don't think it's lack of knowing what we want that prevents us from being able to just sail forward, it is fear but I think anger is a good contender for this. Anger has a bad rep, it's seen as such a negative thing but I don't feel this is the whole truth. They say every emotion (bar unfounded guilt) serves us a purpose and in the case of anger I think it's essential for making change. Some incredible feats have been achieved as a result of anger, think Nelson Mandella...

Of course anger comes in two forms - destructive and constructive. I think the anger and frustration we are turning inwardly is destructive but that anger towards our illnesses has the potential to be so constructive it will literal transform our lives - carry us through to where we want to be.

Day 28 - Step By Step

Sometimes a picture says a thousand words:

Day 28 Baby.

Mousey x


 

Day 27 - Birds and the B's

Birds being the Beautiful little canvas you made for me today. "Sing when you're winning" and I did sing all the way home because I won today with the B's of Bread and Butter.

The Beanbag you made for me and the hot water Bottle were also major comforts snuggling up after my drive over to visit you after daycare in Bertie.

The other important theme of today has been Beliefs. In the group this afternoon in daycare we looked through what our core values were and our beliefs and outlook on life. I realised that pretty much all of mine are based on the strength and nurturing of our relationship ... what I have to work on is living by those as opposed to feeling living by the values I feel I "should". It was nice to be able to come over and share with you what I'd worked on and look at the same thing you had done in the past at daycare too. We can indeed share and help in each other through our journeys.

Still a tough time right now but there is much Bliss in those moments we have together. Just being able to hold you and share in your company soothes so much right now - and I will be there everyday where possible.

The biggest B is Bravery. Yours mostly, I know how incredibly hard things are, but I admire how you keep going despite wanting to do the complete opposite. Bravery is something I am working on ... bravery to Beat this Bloody Beast.

Day 27 - Bye Bye ... Bring on day 28.

Mousey x

Day 26 - Bubbles

We both know today has been another difficult one.

I think we have both felt a bit trapped in our heads and both needed each other greatly today. I'm so grateful for the hours we got in each others company. Although it feels like so much is taking over at the moment for me and I feel stretched and a little out of control time with you brings so much solace. In our own little world - things feel fast around me, like they are on fast forward almost but I find I can disconnect with that when I'm with you. Still lost in my head, but not lost in it feeling lonely.

I know I'm not doing so well at the moment and I know you worry but I need you to know baby girl that I am never going to give in - things just feel very hard at the moment. I will never stop fighting and we are going to get through this. We are going to come out the other side and then all of this just won't matter anymore.

I know you were aware I needed to get off today to get back to caring for my Granny but I couldn't leave you. That wasn't just about making you feel better - I NEED to know that you are settled, otherwise I never will. I know you didn't want to go back to the unit and it broke my heart because I didn't want you to go just as much. We do need each other honey - there is no question about that but our illnesses do not need the others. Like I said to you today, we have to go through this for a while, because we have to each face our demons. As much as we feel the need to rescue the other, we just can't - this is something we have to do for ourselves and I know that is what we are finding impossible. If we could do it for each other then we would never have ended up in this situation. However, there is nothing stopping us being there for each other.

Things feel raw right now, there feels very little light but we still have each other and still benefit from being together - we can't fix the other - we can't do it for the other but we always have our bubble. Our bubble doesn't heal but it offers a little bit of comfort and respite. I think we lived in that bubble a long time before you went into hospital, call it denial if you will but that gives it a negative connotation. It may not have fixed anything but it gives safety. Now you're safely in hospital and my treatment is starting I think it's safe to use that bubble as a resource now, let others, professionals take care of our issues and we can just be with each other. There to cling to one another while. Our illnesses will not win this fight baby. We will. We're just navigating how to do that right now.

We cannot fix each other's anorexia but we both know that love is going to win through. I think now we can stop going around in circles trying to save the other - and hunt for a safe space in the middle of them instead.

I will always love you and one day that love will be free.
Until then - we will just cling and crawl.
Day by day.
Hour by hour.

Mousey x

Day 25 - 23 Subtle Things I Love You

Afternoon

I apologise for the gap in the daily blogs but that is because you have been with me :D so I haven't really needed to write to you about my days and I have been able to physically give you words of love.

I am finding it difficult to write still so you will have to bare with me - suffering with a lot of brain cloudiness and holding my attention to anything. I'm sitting feeling upset and frustrated that I can't even do a simple thing like write to you.

Had the photoshoot this morning - thank you for waking me up as I had majorly overslept - I didn't arrive too late and I was ready to go at least. The photographer was lovely - shot me in a wedding dress and one vintage outfit in and around Astley Hall in Chorley. Not somewhere I would choose as our wedding venue to be honest but the park setting was beautiful. We mostly shot outside. I couldn't last the day through - I was far too cold and overwhelmed by everything going on. I needed to leave and just get away from everything.

I hope that there is one nice photograph of me in a wedding dress - so we can pin it on our walls as symbolism of our dream. The dress was one of the photographers - it didn't fit so we clamped it but it was pretty - simple and had a bit of a vintagey feel to it. Not over the top enough for me ;) . Been thinking a lot more about the wedding since we visited Williamson Park. You're going to make such a beautiful bride - my heart skips a beat when I think about it.

Lindsey was at home when I arrived. Granny is still unwell - just waiting for the doctor to come. She's very likely to be going into a home baby. I'm so upset about it. It breaks my heart and I will miss her.

Evening

I seem to just be sitting and staring at the walls. The hours are so slow. This is what I was dreading to be honest. After today though I should mostly be kept busy with treatment and visits and choir practise on Saturdays. I've put the television on now that it has gone dark to keep me company.

Granny apparently has a bladder infection - she's not going into hospital. We're just going to take it day by day for now and I'll have to become more of a full time carer around Lindsey's vists to assist the carers while she is bed bound. We are going to see as/ if she feels better whether or not she can get out of bed again. If not it's then we'll have to reassess her care and think about her maybe going into a home.

I am just waiting for time to pass now until X Factor is on and the night carer has been and Granny is safely asleep. Hardcore Saturday night for me. I hope you had a nice afternoon with your family - the birthday cake they made you looked epic :) .

The past three days with you had been amazing. Your birthday was "Day 23" you know. I was going to post it on the day "23 Subtle Things I Love About You" - but I was busy snuggling and just being with you. So here they are now:

1.The scent of you - particularly on your forehead and neck.
2. The way your nose wiggles when you talk.
3. Your ability to recall where anything is when I "lose" it.
4. Your "cheeky face".
5. Your erratic handwriting and how it changes style mid sentence.
6. How you always wear accessories with every outfit.
7. The tiny birth mark on your lip - it's an "X marks the spot".
8. When you make up or mix up words.
9. The way you make my hot chocolate just right.
10. How you "recharge" things for me to snuggle when we're apart.
11. How you always find things on the floor - 20ps in particular
12. That you have bath that is so hot that you come out bright pink.
13. Your puzzle addiction and the way you sit in your chair while you do them.
14. Amy Quiche moments.
15. When you drive you lazily place your hand on the bottom of the steering wheel.
16. How you will watch Glee even though you hate it because you know I love it.
17. Your dance moves! *shoulder shuffle*
18. When you drink something from a bottle after me - you don't wipe the lipstick ring off your face.
19. When we spoon to sleep and you wrap your leg over the top of mine.
20. Your relentless list writing.
21. How you will not spend money on yourself but nothing is ever too expensive for me.
22. Those bloody blue shoes!
23. The magical places you think up when it's your turn to decide where we're going to meet in our dreams.

These are just the little things - the main list is endless and I'll be forever writing this, the same way I am forever clocking up all the reasons I love you so much in my heart. It grows constantly, just like my love for you.

25 whole days survived baby girl.

Mousey x

Day 21 - 21st Filled

I was not for getting out of bed this morning. Set my alarm for 7 and pressed snooze for over an hour! All things considered it was a blessing really. I think being back in our bed made a big difference. I dressed your pillow in the tears top you left and set it up behind me and wrapped the sleeves over my body. I put your letter under my pillow instead of my worry dolls.

It is prooving incredibly difficult to write you a daily blog when my day is filled with secret things and surprise creating for Thursday! I will have to just skirt around things!

Went to my Dad's this morning a little later than planned. It was lovely to see him and have a few hours chatting. As you know I baked a cake this morning which esclated into a fail of epic proportions - my baking mojo has a habit of deserting me at the most crucial moments. As a result I had to nip out to Morrisons and my Dad came along too as he had to nip to the bank. He survived his maiden voyage in Bertie with me driving - he was a tad of a nervous passenger but I didn't kill anything!

Done quite a bit of pootling about today and I'm getting more and more used to Bertie. Went to Anna's after my Dad's to work on secret things and I had a really nice time with her. We had lunch together and chatted about my trip to Canada and her visits to you. You have been alive and present in all aspects of everbody I have seen today - all my conversations with my Dad, Lindsey, Anna and even Helen the carer have been about you. That's not accounting for my digital messages to people. So much love for you bbg!

After being at Anna's I came home again to continue on my mission and nipped out once more again this evening. I have been a very busy bee and I'm grateful as the time has passed by so fast and you're home tomorrow for two whole nights. I'm so excited. I just want you to have a truly lovely day.

I can't begin to tell you how proud I am of your for the things you have faced and achieved today. Anna and I were talking about how incredible you are for taking on all the challenges thrown your way and with such strength. I know you feel at times that you are managing but putting everything into prespective what you are doing is so phenomenal and I swell with pride when I think about it. You're quite an amazing woman you know.

I am very touched that inspite of everything going on today you took the time to organise coming to day care to support me through my first appointments tomorrow - it means so much that you are willing to go to such lengths to help me through despite your situation. I would prefer it if you didn't go through all the hassle though and I will see you and get to keep you anyway after tea so I can hang on for that. I'm going to be a big brave girl myself tomorrow and face it on my own. If you can do it then so can I!

I have just finished doing what I needed to do today now and I'm relieved I finished in time to type your blog before midnight struck. I think I am going to sleep well again tonight!

21 days passed. 3 whole weeks survived - and here we are still fighting strong!

Mousey x

Day 20 - Home Again

AM

I was glad to wake up just about twenty minutes before my flight was due to touch down this morning. Out cold for the whole flight - made it pass much quicker. It was the train journey back into Preston that seemed to take forever.

Watching you run down the pavement at the train station was just inexplicable. If you remember I just sat on my case and watched you for a brief second before I got up. The whole thing happened in slow mo - you curly hair bobbing away. I didn't quite know what to do when I grabbed hold of you. The world stopped at that moment.

Coming home to find your note of the bed was beautiful - I read it straight away this time and I know I will continue to read it all the time until  you are home for good.

PM

To be honest the whole day has felt a bit surreal - partially it may have been the medication taking a long time to wear off but it just didn't feel real. I'm sorry if I was very quiet - I was just drinking the moments in. It was nice to just lapse into old routines, you pottering around tidying up after me, nipping to the supermarket. It seemed somewhat important to me to carry on just as we'd left off.

\I was glad to go up to your Mum's with you this evening and I didn't want to leave when I did. I felt awful as I pulled away but I know I will see you again on Wednesday :) . I can't tell you anything else about my evening really as all will be revealed on Thursday.

I do know when I had finished what I needed to do (and some things I didn't really need to do) I got into the car and my heart sank. The prospect of driving home to let myself into the empty part of our house made me want to cry. I took a longer route home and gave myself some thinking space driving along. I was glad to know your top and letter would be there waiting for me and your text about your essence being all around helped. I noted a few fireworks on my drive and focused on how next year I hope to get bundled up with you and watch a display. This year I didn't dwell on not getting involved. I was quite frightened driving home through the village - there was so much smoke from bonfire as visibility was really bad, but it took it slow, kept calm and made it. It's moments like that when I really, truly realise I will never want to be on my own, I feel safe with you in the face of anything.

I have gone through the motions since I got in, tidying up after myself, sorting out what I need to do tomorrow and have settled down with the tv on and a hot chocolate with marshmallows. I like that I can type to you in this little box - compensates somewhat for you not being actually here to talk to. It's funny that you have just posted on Facebook the "Home Again" song - as that's been on my mind all of today and of course was the theme for todays post.

I am now surrounding by things from you and for you and it's keeping me busy. It's okay being apart tonight because I'm interpreting it being all part of the planning and surprise for your birthday - not that you actually can't be here.

I hope now that I am home things get somewhat easier and we're never so far apart ever again.

Mousey xx

Day 19 - Flying Shoes

AM

Got confused this morning because the clocks had gone back. Cleared up my crossed wires about my flight times anyway. We are now 5 hours apart again - but not for long baby because by the time I am typing this tomorrow I will be back in Blighty and en route for the biggest snuggle ever. This is the longest we've ever been apart baby girl - and we've made it.

Today is really bittersweet, I feel sad packing up my case but lovingly laying all the bits and pieces I have got to bring back to show you I felt reassured that it's going to be okay. I'll worry about and miss my Mum but I'll be back soon - and next time with you in tow and then we'll have the party of the century.

I am feeling much better this morning - as I didn't feel well for most of yesterday. I am glad  that it's shifted now. Went out for breakfast to a place called 50's Diner - it had loads of black and white photos of old Hollywood stars on the walls and was kitted out like an old fashioned diner - right up my street. I bit the bullet and ordered a waffle and it was gigantic but I ate every bit up because it was delicious. Score one to us! I hope I can take you to a diner when you come out and we can freely pick whatever the hell we like off the menu and enjoy it! It is far from the most important thing in life, but there is a lot to be said for enjoying food.

I am glad you're getting to spend time with your family today for your Mum's birthday - should make the time pass quicker for you too. I hope you had a lovely time with her and she had a lovely day. Seemed to be doing if Facebook was anything to go by.

PM

I did a good job of managing to pack my case - though admittedly it's nowhere near as neat as you had sent me off with. In my defense I do have a lot more to bring back than I brought. I am a tad worried about the baggage limit but surely I can't have bought more than 7kgs of stuff ... lol ... who am I kidding?

My flight takes off at 10:45pm local time so 3:45am your time so you will soundly sleep through my journey with a bit of luck - and as will I as I plan to knock myself out into a practical coma haha. I WILL sleep - I need to be alive and kicking for when I come back!

This afternoon Mum and I lit a fire in the garden but soon retreated as it was so cold. I'm going to smell nicely of bonfire on my flight - be a nice reminder of the afternoon. I've put on many, many layers so I can sleep all toasty - pray for me that I get a window seat! I introduce Bonbon to Apps for Cats and now have her photograph to add to my collection of cats with iPad hehe. Bonbon didn't really get it - she just kind of looked at me as if to say "I can't eat this - I am not interested in it".

The last day of holidays is always weird - kind of feel in limbo - not quite knowing what to do - the travelling and goodbyes looming over. Mum and I have agreed that she will drop me at the door of the airport and not come in - less painful that way. I have you to look forward  to coming home to but it's obviously going to be a lot more difficult for her. I'm glad we went to the Beer Store as well this afternoon and took a load of empties back because it meant she got a free case of beer in return - and hopefully she can enjoy those this evening and get a good nights sleep. She's back at work tomorrow too and I told her she has lots of big things to be doing very soon- she will be busy and I'll be back before she knows it. Time went really fast this morning and now it's slowed right down. It's always such a bittersweet day.

I am afraid I am not going to be able to write to you about my evening as I will have set off for the airport and I highly doubt I will be able to pick up free wifi. I want you to be able to have something to read everyday so I am going to post this now before I leave... and the next time you hear from me I will be back on your side of the Atlantic Ocean :) .

So I'll be tying on my flying shoes then bbg.
Day 19 = a success.
 

Mousey x

Day 18- The Hours

AM - 2:16 am to be precise. I cannot sleep, I need spooning and the more I think about needing spooning the more I can't sleep. Catch 22. I tried so hard to get to the place we had agreed to meet in our dreams. I had my outfit on, my wings ready, but I didn't seen to be able to take flight. I hope you're not lonely up there without me - just happy and carefree. I think I need to put on my flying shoes...

*

I watched many hours go by last night - especially as I went to bed at 9pm along with you. I got to sleep eventually thanks to our dear friend Zopiclone. I had a lie in today - I think maybe I finally shifted on to Canadian time - typical on my last full day!

Went up into the attic room to have a cigarette this morning and Mum was shifting stuff around - she found a bag of stuff I had left from several trips ago - including big winter jumpers - this thrilled me as they can come home as extra winter clothes for me. There is one jumper in particular that I think you will love to borrow too. I had wondered where  it had got to!

PM

Been out shopping again today. Went to a place called Cambridge Surplus - it was like a giant B&M. Heaven. I got quite a few bits in there - especially after my wonderful bank account surprise this morning. The landing of that money has been a massive relief. I have been so worried about not being able to make your birthday nice. It was worrying about that actually that kept me up most of the night. I just want my special girl to have the most special of days. I know you're saying you just want me - but you have me anyway. I'd give you the earth if I could, I wish I could but I am glad I may be able to get a few token things to make the day more memorable.

I got some stickers and bits for crafting when we are home - I  think I'd like to come up and visit and do some crafty things with you in the unit when I'm back - just as we would've done at home. I also went to my beloved bead shop today - got some charms and things to play with when I'm back. I had to leave there pretty quick though as I started to feel quite unwell. Then we drove up to Zehrs  to get some more things to drink and I realised I'd left my bag of charms in the bead shop *face palm*. Luckily it was still there when we got back.

Later this afternoon I enjoyed sitting on the stool in the kitchen watching my Mum cook chilli and we lit all the candles and things around the house - made it all cosy and lovely. Today seemed to slip by really quickly despite how long the night was. I feel sad to be leaving my Mum and I know today has been difficult for her. I wish I could be in two places at once sometimes - but I know she is going to be fine when I leave. You however need me back. I am so proud of your achievements today too - it warmed my heart right through. My fighter.

I loved seeing your picture of your canal walk today. I have missed my walks since being here - but it has been too cold for me. I hope I managed to do the odd one when I'm back and then I will still have things to tell you about and share the pictures. You know how much I love canals - gets me ideas for my story too. Apparently it's national novel writing month this month... perhaps I could make a start on that... I hope we can go and walk down the canal near you together when we're reunited.

I'm continuing to be in the fuzzy state of mind and so it is still difficult to write much to you. Also because I have been plotting for my return I can't share too much ;) . I am feeling quite unwell again this evening too so I think an early night is on the cards.

My last sleep in Canada tonight baby... on day 18. Only hours until a snuggle now.

Mousey x

Day 17 - Sunflowers

Today has felt rather confused for me - I feel like I have nothing to say. I haven't set about and written your blog in the usual format of sitting down in the morning, afternoon and evening and subsequently my mind is blank as to what to tell you about.

I wish I could write you interesting and informed things about what I have been doing but my brain seems to be like soup at the moment - thick, cloudy soup. I'm not sure why.  Today has been a nice day and I enjoy drives with my Mum but for some reason things feel closed down tonight.
I can list you the denotative:

Went to visit again in my Mum's work to meet her friend Sally, who was lovely and then drove to look at an apartment for my Mum in a place called Elmira, then to a place called New Hamburg and then to New Dundee. New Dundee is where the photograph of me with the house is. I asked my Mum to take my photograph with it because I felt we could maybe use it in some art work or for the wall of hypothetical dream images. The picture doesn't do it as much justice - it was so pretty in pale shades of blue and pink and next to it was a small lake area with houses around the ages, with a jetty and things so you could take a rowing boat out probably in the summer and no doubt ice skate on it in the winter. Idyllic.

I am so tired tonight but it is too early to go to bed - I don't want to wake up too early tomorrow and be too tired throughout the day to extract as much as possible from my last full day here. I know I'll regret it otherwise. Think my Mum found a house she really likes today - she put an application in for it anyway and that made me feel happy. Good to know that she'll be settled again soon enough.

I do remember one thing that struck me driving today - it was seeing a field full of dead sunflowers. I had never seen anything like it. I have seen big sunflower fields in France and Italy in the height of summer in my younger years - and they are incredibly beautiful. You probably already know but sunflowers follow the sun by moving their heads throughout the day - I have always found that incredible - how they turn and follow the light.

I tried to find a real video of a time lapse but struggled but this is the general idea:

I feel like those sunflowers with you - like my heart follows you around - seeks the goodness and needs it for nourishment and survival...

Anyway I digress ... this field of dead sunflowers was incredible. It was like something out of a Tim Burton film. They were still standing upright but were completely black, set against a deep grey cloudy sky and with crows flying among them ... it was quite a sight. Really quite morbid knowing how beautiful and cheerful they are in their peak. I don't know why I felt so struck by it really. I guess in an introspective, self pitying kind of way I felt empathy. Feeling blackened by my own lack of nourishment - both physically and mentally.

I know I keep referring to the seasons, the weeping of autumn, the bleakness of winter but I guess I do feel so much more exposed to it right now. I feel raw and whilst I am finding connections to other humans difficult, I find solace in the Earth. My mind feels vacant but it is not closed. I find much comfort in listening to the air around me and finding rhythm through nature. It's helping me through, because although autumn is about saying goodbye and winter harsh survival, I know that if I stay in sync next spring will be glorious...

Day 17 - goodnight to you.

Mousey x

Day 16 - Affirmation Cookie

AM

I was really happy to wake up to a message of you saying my Dad was coming to visit you today. I know he gives really good hugs and I hope you felt the benefit of one.

... I don't know where I am today baby. I'm lost somewhere. The autumn went away and what remains feels a little bleak - just grey, cold and emptiness. Winter is about cosiness, it's blustering in from the cold and there you are with a bowl of hot corn chowder waiting for me, it's cuddling up with hot water bottles and films, it's listening to the wind whilst we're safely tucked inside. This winter fills me with dread if I am being completely honest, but mostly because I just feel so far away.

PM

Went out to the local mall to do a bit of mooching about - didn't buy anything but I enjoyed seeing the shops and stuff. After that we went out for lunch at a buffet style place called the Manderin - it is strictly Chinese but had lots of different kinds of food. As is tradition in those kind of places I was given a fortune cookie after the meal. It read:

I looked at it and thought "I really, truly hope so". It was the little bit of encouragement I needed at that moment - it is all going to be worth it isn't it sweetpea? I just need to see your face again and I know all this fear and doubt will melt away. It made me smile quietly to myself after my challenge of a meal and I have kept it to give to you for your notice board too. A little affirmation in a cookie.

After we came back from lunch I just spent some time in the house. I put some music on for the first time in quite a few days - for some reason I have been finding music difficult at times - because of it's powerful affect on my mood. I'm trying to stay as level as possible. It was good to be able to have a chance to chat to you for a while through messages too. I am absolutely over the moon that you're going to be able to come out and see me on Monday when I land back - you have no idea how much that made my day. I need a snuggle so badly now, I'm physically aching with longing to be near you.

Later on we went back out to The Patch - which is the place I mentioned to you yesterday, the clothing place. I got some bits as a gift from Mum, fleecy navy tights (essential) and a jumper and a shirt that I picked mostly because I knew you'd like me in it. When you come to Canada with me next time I am going to have to take you there because it is a Sausage heaven. I think I am shopped out now for the trip. I bought myself some fleece lined slipper things that fit perfectly inside my Rubysaur - no more being cold for me! Well ... less chance anyway.

I feel like I don't want to end this blog to you today - I want to keep writing and talking to you but I have little left to say - my need to feel you close is that strong this day. Day 16.

But day 16 is now drawing to a close - bed time for us both (I'm still on Sausage time) and one day closer to being reunited.

Love Mousey xx