We both know today has been another difficult one.
I think we have both felt a bit trapped in our heads and both needed each other greatly today. I'm so grateful for the hours we got in each others company. Although it feels like so much is taking over at the moment for me and I feel stretched and a little out of control time with you brings so much solace. In our own little world - things feel fast around me, like they are on fast forward almost but I find I can disconnect with that when I'm with you. Still lost in my head, but not lost in it feeling lonely.
I know I'm not doing so well at the moment and I know you worry but I need you to know baby girl that I am never going to give in - things just feel very hard at the moment. I will never stop fighting and we are going to get through this. We are going to come out the other side and then all of this just won't matter anymore.
I know you were aware I needed to get off today to get back to caring for my Granny but I couldn't leave you. That wasn't just about making you feel better - I NEED to know that you are settled, otherwise I never will. I know you didn't want to go back to the unit and it broke my heart because I didn't want you to go just as much. We do need each other honey - there is no question about that but our illnesses do not need the others. Like I said to you today, we have to go through this for a while, because we have to each face our demons. As much as we feel the need to rescue the other, we just can't - this is something we have to do for ourselves and I know that is what we are finding impossible. If we could do it for each other then we would never have ended up in this situation. However, there is nothing stopping us being there for each other.
Things feel raw right now, there feels very little light but we still have each other and still benefit from being together - we can't fix the other - we can't do it for the other but we always have our bubble. Our bubble doesn't heal but it offers a little bit of comfort and respite. I think we lived in that bubble a long time before you went into hospital, call it denial if you will but that gives it a negative connotation. It may not have fixed anything but it gives safety. Now you're safely in hospital and my treatment is starting I think it's safe to use that bubble as a resource now, let others, professionals take care of our issues and we can just be with each other. There to cling to one another while. Our illnesses will not win this fight baby. We will. We're just navigating how to do that right now.
We cannot fix each other's anorexia but we both know that love is going to win through. I think now we can stop going around in circles trying to save the other - and hunt for a safe space in the middle of them instead.
I will always love you and one day that love will be free.
Until then - we will just cling and crawl.
Day by day.
Hour by hour.
Mousey x
I think we have both felt a bit trapped in our heads and both needed each other greatly today. I'm so grateful for the hours we got in each others company. Although it feels like so much is taking over at the moment for me and I feel stretched and a little out of control time with you brings so much solace. In our own little world - things feel fast around me, like they are on fast forward almost but I find I can disconnect with that when I'm with you. Still lost in my head, but not lost in it feeling lonely.
I know I'm not doing so well at the moment and I know you worry but I need you to know baby girl that I am never going to give in - things just feel very hard at the moment. I will never stop fighting and we are going to get through this. We are going to come out the other side and then all of this just won't matter anymore.
I know you were aware I needed to get off today to get back to caring for my Granny but I couldn't leave you. That wasn't just about making you feel better - I NEED to know that you are settled, otherwise I never will. I know you didn't want to go back to the unit and it broke my heart because I didn't want you to go just as much. We do need each other honey - there is no question about that but our illnesses do not need the others. Like I said to you today, we have to go through this for a while, because we have to each face our demons. As much as we feel the need to rescue the other, we just can't - this is something we have to do for ourselves and I know that is what we are finding impossible. If we could do it for each other then we would never have ended up in this situation. However, there is nothing stopping us being there for each other.
Things feel raw right now, there feels very little light but we still have each other and still benefit from being together - we can't fix the other - we can't do it for the other but we always have our bubble. Our bubble doesn't heal but it offers a little bit of comfort and respite. I think we lived in that bubble a long time before you went into hospital, call it denial if you will but that gives it a negative connotation. It may not have fixed anything but it gives safety. Now you're safely in hospital and my treatment is starting I think it's safe to use that bubble as a resource now, let others, professionals take care of our issues and we can just be with each other. There to cling to one another while. Our illnesses will not win this fight baby. We will. We're just navigating how to do that right now.
We cannot fix each other's anorexia but we both know that love is going to win through. I think now we can stop going around in circles trying to save the other - and hunt for a safe space in the middle of them instead.
Until then - we will just cling and crawl.
Day by day.
Hour by hour.
Mousey x
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