Day 33 - Little Love Rituals

In therapy at daycare today Ruth left off on a note to remember; that although we might feel alone it's important to remember the people who are always around us and support us. Even though they may not be there physically their "energy" always is - and that really struck a chord with me. In fact I wrote it on my hand.

During this group we also looked at different relationship types and when discussing the "co-dependant element" I got quite up on my high horse about how that so long as both individuals were happy and healthy why did "co-dependance" get such a bad rap. I said to Ruth that to me, that "co-dependance" structure to me transpires to "unconditional love" and that in fact I cannot exist without you and I had absolutely no desire to change that belief. I didn't want to live my life without wholly needing you and without you wholly needing me. Extracting our illnesses from the equasions (which we are doing and still remaining co-dependant) I didn't see why having this kind of relationship is a bad thing. I said I felt that why these relationship constructions might be the archiatype - I don't feel they can be made true of everyone situation in terms of what is "right or wrong".

I have no shame in admitting that this post has was actually inspired by an episode of "How I Met Your Mother". The central story line was about Marshall and Lily's little "love riutals" and the things they do for each other, particularly when apart. The episode plot line focused around how they were trying to move on from doing certain things in the name of the relationship "maturing" but found they couldn't give many of them up because they matter too much but in place of some older ones, new ones took their place.

As I am sitting here this evening I can't help thinking back about the rituals we used to have, such as how you we'd insert little post-it note love messages into each others bags or lunches, how we'd acknowledge every month anniversary of our relationship with a card or gesture, you always making the hot chocolates, me reading to you in your bath. I miss a lot of the things we used to do, the rituals and the routine, but like Lily and Marshall our relationship too is having to change - not "mature" as such, but adapt.

The beauty of this though is enjoying creating new love rituals with you. This blog is one, the way when I come to visit you always refill my hot water bottle and when you come out of the ward I always bring a drink for you and there are probably little things we do that we haven't been doing long enough to realise they are rituals. These are small and seemingly insignificant things but they seem to matter to me so much and help me feel connected to you. We cannot be together but the small things that we love about our relationship still have place to exist, reminds us both that this definitely doesn't mean that things are "on hold".

... and on that note "Monday I love you" ;) .

33 days we have survived  and we are still surviving.

Mousey x

Day 31 - The Importance of Being Angry

I wasn't good yesterday at all - pure Sausage withdrawal I think but I woke up this morning a bit more positive and looking forward to seeing you today. I'm feeling a lot of anger at our situation today, I'm annoyed that is because of being trapped in my own head and my own disorder that I haven't been even able to write this blog to you for the past few days.

Yesterday at SEED we began to work on making "Recovery Scrapbooks" - it's a lovely idea, to be filled with things that motivate us, inspirational imagery, quotes and affirmations. It is something I am going to continue working on as I feel it is important to have a visual representation and a reminder... That said I have a visual reminder everytime I look at your face. This is why I'm feeling so much anger - I know what I want, I know that you want it too and I have never lost sight of it - I know exactly where I want to be, why I have to keep fighting, it's the most powerful and beautiful thing in the world and despite that it can still feel impossibly difficult at times.

I think it's important to acknowledge this anger but more important than just acknowledge it - it needs to be used. From our conversations today I don't think it's lack of knowing what we want that prevents us from being able to just sail forward, it is fear but I think anger is a good contender for this. Anger has a bad rep, it's seen as such a negative thing but I don't feel this is the whole truth. They say every emotion (bar unfounded guilt) serves us a purpose and in the case of anger I think it's essential for making change. Some incredible feats have been achieved as a result of anger, think Nelson Mandella...

Of course anger comes in two forms - destructive and constructive. I think the anger and frustration we are turning inwardly is destructive but that anger towards our illnesses has the potential to be so constructive it will literal transform our lives - carry us through to where we want to be.

Day 28 - Step By Step

Sometimes a picture says a thousand words:

Day 28 Baby.

Mousey x


 

Day 27 - Birds and the B's

Birds being the Beautiful little canvas you made for me today. "Sing when you're winning" and I did sing all the way home because I won today with the B's of Bread and Butter.

The Beanbag you made for me and the hot water Bottle were also major comforts snuggling up after my drive over to visit you after daycare in Bertie.

The other important theme of today has been Beliefs. In the group this afternoon in daycare we looked through what our core values were and our beliefs and outlook on life. I realised that pretty much all of mine are based on the strength and nurturing of our relationship ... what I have to work on is living by those as opposed to feeling living by the values I feel I "should". It was nice to be able to come over and share with you what I'd worked on and look at the same thing you had done in the past at daycare too. We can indeed share and help in each other through our journeys.

Still a tough time right now but there is much Bliss in those moments we have together. Just being able to hold you and share in your company soothes so much right now - and I will be there everyday where possible.

The biggest B is Bravery. Yours mostly, I know how incredibly hard things are, but I admire how you keep going despite wanting to do the complete opposite. Bravery is something I am working on ... bravery to Beat this Bloody Beast.

Day 27 - Bye Bye ... Bring on day 28.

Mousey x

Day 26 - Bubbles

We both know today has been another difficult one.

I think we have both felt a bit trapped in our heads and both needed each other greatly today. I'm so grateful for the hours we got in each others company. Although it feels like so much is taking over at the moment for me and I feel stretched and a little out of control time with you brings so much solace. In our own little world - things feel fast around me, like they are on fast forward almost but I find I can disconnect with that when I'm with you. Still lost in my head, but not lost in it feeling lonely.

I know I'm not doing so well at the moment and I know you worry but I need you to know baby girl that I am never going to give in - things just feel very hard at the moment. I will never stop fighting and we are going to get through this. We are going to come out the other side and then all of this just won't matter anymore.

I know you were aware I needed to get off today to get back to caring for my Granny but I couldn't leave you. That wasn't just about making you feel better - I NEED to know that you are settled, otherwise I never will. I know you didn't want to go back to the unit and it broke my heart because I didn't want you to go just as much. We do need each other honey - there is no question about that but our illnesses do not need the others. Like I said to you today, we have to go through this for a while, because we have to each face our demons. As much as we feel the need to rescue the other, we just can't - this is something we have to do for ourselves and I know that is what we are finding impossible. If we could do it for each other then we would never have ended up in this situation. However, there is nothing stopping us being there for each other.

Things feel raw right now, there feels very little light but we still have each other and still benefit from being together - we can't fix the other - we can't do it for the other but we always have our bubble. Our bubble doesn't heal but it offers a little bit of comfort and respite. I think we lived in that bubble a long time before you went into hospital, call it denial if you will but that gives it a negative connotation. It may not have fixed anything but it gives safety. Now you're safely in hospital and my treatment is starting I think it's safe to use that bubble as a resource now, let others, professionals take care of our issues and we can just be with each other. There to cling to one another while. Our illnesses will not win this fight baby. We will. We're just navigating how to do that right now.

We cannot fix each other's anorexia but we both know that love is going to win through. I think now we can stop going around in circles trying to save the other - and hunt for a safe space in the middle of them instead.

I will always love you and one day that love will be free.
Until then - we will just cling and crawl.
Day by day.
Hour by hour.

Mousey x

Day 25 - 23 Subtle Things I Love You

Afternoon

I apologise for the gap in the daily blogs but that is because you have been with me :D so I haven't really needed to write to you about my days and I have been able to physically give you words of love.

I am finding it difficult to write still so you will have to bare with me - suffering with a lot of brain cloudiness and holding my attention to anything. I'm sitting feeling upset and frustrated that I can't even do a simple thing like write to you.

Had the photoshoot this morning - thank you for waking me up as I had majorly overslept - I didn't arrive too late and I was ready to go at least. The photographer was lovely - shot me in a wedding dress and one vintage outfit in and around Astley Hall in Chorley. Not somewhere I would choose as our wedding venue to be honest but the park setting was beautiful. We mostly shot outside. I couldn't last the day through - I was far too cold and overwhelmed by everything going on. I needed to leave and just get away from everything.

I hope that there is one nice photograph of me in a wedding dress - so we can pin it on our walls as symbolism of our dream. The dress was one of the photographers - it didn't fit so we clamped it but it was pretty - simple and had a bit of a vintagey feel to it. Not over the top enough for me ;) . Been thinking a lot more about the wedding since we visited Williamson Park. You're going to make such a beautiful bride - my heart skips a beat when I think about it.

Lindsey was at home when I arrived. Granny is still unwell - just waiting for the doctor to come. She's very likely to be going into a home baby. I'm so upset about it. It breaks my heart and I will miss her.

Evening

I seem to just be sitting and staring at the walls. The hours are so slow. This is what I was dreading to be honest. After today though I should mostly be kept busy with treatment and visits and choir practise on Saturdays. I've put the television on now that it has gone dark to keep me company.

Granny apparently has a bladder infection - she's not going into hospital. We're just going to take it day by day for now and I'll have to become more of a full time carer around Lindsey's vists to assist the carers while she is bed bound. We are going to see as/ if she feels better whether or not she can get out of bed again. If not it's then we'll have to reassess her care and think about her maybe going into a home.

I am just waiting for time to pass now until X Factor is on and the night carer has been and Granny is safely asleep. Hardcore Saturday night for me. I hope you had a nice afternoon with your family - the birthday cake they made you looked epic :) .

The past three days with you had been amazing. Your birthday was "Day 23" you know. I was going to post it on the day "23 Subtle Things I Love About You" - but I was busy snuggling and just being with you. So here they are now:

1.The scent of you - particularly on your forehead and neck.
2. The way your nose wiggles when you talk.
3. Your ability to recall where anything is when I "lose" it.
4. Your "cheeky face".
5. Your erratic handwriting and how it changes style mid sentence.
6. How you always wear accessories with every outfit.
7. The tiny birth mark on your lip - it's an "X marks the spot".
8. When you make up or mix up words.
9. The way you make my hot chocolate just right.
10. How you "recharge" things for me to snuggle when we're apart.
11. How you always find things on the floor - 20ps in particular
12. That you have bath that is so hot that you come out bright pink.
13. Your puzzle addiction and the way you sit in your chair while you do them.
14. Amy Quiche moments.
15. When you drive you lazily place your hand on the bottom of the steering wheel.
16. How you will watch Glee even though you hate it because you know I love it.
17. Your dance moves! *shoulder shuffle*
18. When you drink something from a bottle after me - you don't wipe the lipstick ring off your face.
19. When we spoon to sleep and you wrap your leg over the top of mine.
20. Your relentless list writing.
21. How you will not spend money on yourself but nothing is ever too expensive for me.
22. Those bloody blue shoes!
23. The magical places you think up when it's your turn to decide where we're going to meet in our dreams.

These are just the little things - the main list is endless and I'll be forever writing this, the same way I am forever clocking up all the reasons I love you so much in my heart. It grows constantly, just like my love for you.

25 whole days survived baby girl.

Mousey x

Day 21 - 21st Filled

I was not for getting out of bed this morning. Set my alarm for 7 and pressed snooze for over an hour! All things considered it was a blessing really. I think being back in our bed made a big difference. I dressed your pillow in the tears top you left and set it up behind me and wrapped the sleeves over my body. I put your letter under my pillow instead of my worry dolls.

It is prooving incredibly difficult to write you a daily blog when my day is filled with secret things and surprise creating for Thursday! I will have to just skirt around things!

Went to my Dad's this morning a little later than planned. It was lovely to see him and have a few hours chatting. As you know I baked a cake this morning which esclated into a fail of epic proportions - my baking mojo has a habit of deserting me at the most crucial moments. As a result I had to nip out to Morrisons and my Dad came along too as he had to nip to the bank. He survived his maiden voyage in Bertie with me driving - he was a tad of a nervous passenger but I didn't kill anything!

Done quite a bit of pootling about today and I'm getting more and more used to Bertie. Went to Anna's after my Dad's to work on secret things and I had a really nice time with her. We had lunch together and chatted about my trip to Canada and her visits to you. You have been alive and present in all aspects of everbody I have seen today - all my conversations with my Dad, Lindsey, Anna and even Helen the carer have been about you. That's not accounting for my digital messages to people. So much love for you bbg!

After being at Anna's I came home again to continue on my mission and nipped out once more again this evening. I have been a very busy bee and I'm grateful as the time has passed by so fast and you're home tomorrow for two whole nights. I'm so excited. I just want you to have a truly lovely day.

I can't begin to tell you how proud I am of your for the things you have faced and achieved today. Anna and I were talking about how incredible you are for taking on all the challenges thrown your way and with such strength. I know you feel at times that you are managing but putting everything into prespective what you are doing is so phenomenal and I swell with pride when I think about it. You're quite an amazing woman you know.

I am very touched that inspite of everything going on today you took the time to organise coming to day care to support me through my first appointments tomorrow - it means so much that you are willing to go to such lengths to help me through despite your situation. I would prefer it if you didn't go through all the hassle though and I will see you and get to keep you anyway after tea so I can hang on for that. I'm going to be a big brave girl myself tomorrow and face it on my own. If you can do it then so can I!

I have just finished doing what I needed to do today now and I'm relieved I finished in time to type your blog before midnight struck. I think I am going to sleep well again tonight!

21 days passed. 3 whole weeks survived - and here we are still fighting strong!

Mousey x