Today has felt rather confused for me - I feel like I have nothing to say. I haven't set about and written your blog in the usual format of sitting down in the morning, afternoon and evening and subsequently my mind is blank as to what to tell you about.
I wish I could write you interesting and informed things about what I have been doing but my brain seems to be like soup at the moment - thick, cloudy soup. I'm not sure why. Today has been a nice day and I enjoy drives with my Mum but for some reason things feel closed down tonight.
I can list you the denotative:
Went to visit again in my Mum's work to meet her friend Sally, who was lovely and then drove to look at an apartment for my Mum in a place called Elmira, then to a place called New Hamburg and then to New Dundee. New Dundee is where the photograph of me with the house is. I asked my Mum to take my photograph with it because I felt we could maybe use it in some art work or for the wall of hypothetical dream images. The picture doesn't do it as much justice - it was so pretty in pale shades of blue and pink and next to it was a small lake area with houses around the ages, with a jetty and things so you could take a rowing boat out probably in the summer and no doubt ice skate on it in the winter. Idyllic.
I am so tired tonight but it is too early to go to bed - I don't want to wake up too early tomorrow and be too tired throughout the day to extract as much as possible from my last full day here. I know I'll regret it otherwise. Think my Mum found a house she really likes today - she put an application in for it anyway and that made me feel happy. Good to know that she'll be settled again soon enough.
I do remember one thing that struck me driving today - it was seeing a field full of dead sunflowers. I had never seen anything like it. I have seen big sunflower fields in France and Italy in the height of summer in my younger years - and they are incredibly beautiful. You probably already know but sunflowers follow the sun by moving their heads throughout the day - I have always found that incredible - how they turn and follow the light.
I tried to find a real video of a time lapse but struggled but this is the general idea:
I feel like those sunflowers with you - like my heart follows you around - seeks the goodness and needs it for nourishment and survival...
Anyway I digress ... this field of dead sunflowers was incredible. It was like something out of a Tim Burton film. They were still standing upright but were completely black, set against a deep grey cloudy sky and with crows flying among them ... it was quite a sight. Really quite morbid knowing how beautiful and cheerful they are in their peak. I don't know why I felt so struck by it really. I guess in an introspective, self pitying kind of way I felt empathy. Feeling blackened by my own lack of nourishment - both physically and mentally.
I know I keep referring to the seasons, the weeping of autumn, the bleakness of winter but I guess I do feel so much more exposed to it right now. I feel raw and whilst I am finding connections to other humans difficult, I find solace in the Earth. My mind feels vacant but it is not closed. I find much comfort in listening to the air around me and finding rhythm through nature. It's helping me through, because although autumn is about saying goodbye and winter harsh survival, I know that if I stay in sync next spring will be glorious...
Day 17 - goodnight to you.
Mousey x
I wish I could write you interesting and informed things about what I have been doing but my brain seems to be like soup at the moment - thick, cloudy soup. I'm not sure why. Today has been a nice day and I enjoy drives with my Mum but for some reason things feel closed down tonight.
I can list you the denotative:
Went to visit again in my Mum's work to meet her friend Sally, who was lovely and then drove to look at an apartment for my Mum in a place called Elmira, then to a place called New Hamburg and then to New Dundee. New Dundee is where the photograph of me with the house is. I asked my Mum to take my photograph with it because I felt we could maybe use it in some art work or for the wall of hypothetical dream images. The picture doesn't do it as much justice - it was so pretty in pale shades of blue and pink and next to it was a small lake area with houses around the ages, with a jetty and things so you could take a rowing boat out probably in the summer and no doubt ice skate on it in the winter. Idyllic.
I am so tired tonight but it is too early to go to bed - I don't want to wake up too early tomorrow and be too tired throughout the day to extract as much as possible from my last full day here. I know I'll regret it otherwise. Think my Mum found a house she really likes today - she put an application in for it anyway and that made me feel happy. Good to know that she'll be settled again soon enough.
I do remember one thing that struck me driving today - it was seeing a field full of dead sunflowers. I had never seen anything like it. I have seen big sunflower fields in France and Italy in the height of summer in my younger years - and they are incredibly beautiful. You probably already know but sunflowers follow the sun by moving their heads throughout the day - I have always found that incredible - how they turn and follow the light.
I tried to find a real video of a time lapse but struggled but this is the general idea:
Anyway I digress ... this field of dead sunflowers was incredible. It was like something out of a Tim Burton film. They were still standing upright but were completely black, set against a deep grey cloudy sky and with crows flying among them ... it was quite a sight. Really quite morbid knowing how beautiful and cheerful they are in their peak. I don't know why I felt so struck by it really. I guess in an introspective, self pitying kind of way I felt empathy. Feeling blackened by my own lack of nourishment - both physically and mentally.
I know I keep referring to the seasons, the weeping of autumn, the bleakness of winter but I guess I do feel so much more exposed to it right now. I feel raw and whilst I am finding connections to other humans difficult, I find solace in the Earth. My mind feels vacant but it is not closed. I find much comfort in listening to the air around me and finding rhythm through nature. It's helping me through, because although autumn is about saying goodbye and winter harsh survival, I know that if I stay in sync next spring will be glorious...
Day 17 - goodnight to you.
Mousey x
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