Day 9 - Apple Critters

AM  

Today I have come into my Mums work place. I feel a little on display and like I should've prepared stock answers about how I'm liking Canada etc. I put my favourite navy dress so I am ready to be "best in show" once again. Smiles out, charm on. As lovely as it is meeting everyone and putting faces to names I find it difficult making conversation with people at the moment. Doesn't help that the office is all open planned. Though in saying that, I think it's an environment I could see myself working in, I would have no issue working for a big company, having my little desk with pictures of you in it etc, doing my quota and going home. Looking around here mostly people are just chatting over their stalls anyway!

Mum has sent an email out to invite people to come and have my cupcakes - I have labelled them up all pretty. Writing the descriptions I felt like a contestant on Cupcake Wars- you know the elaborate way they describe what their cupcake is. Check this, "Autumnal Spice" : "a rich buttery moist cake sponge infused with honey, oats and ginger, topped with vanilla buttercream, topped with crumbled chocolate and honeycomb pieces". I took the piss a little bit writing it but I figured that people may not get it, given a) my sense of humour and b) not knowing the context. I knew you'd find it funny. 

I'm going to go to the St Jacobs Farmers Market for lunch and will stay there after it. I enjoy it there, I bought a lot of things there in the past and there's sheepies and fings for me to chill out with. I'll take photographs for you. I will have a few hours to pass but the weather is warm. No layers needed Sausage! Imagine!

PM

Spent the afternoon in the farmers market and after I had looked around the stalls once, I stopped to sit on a bench and people watch. It struck me that I have simply forgotten how to be alone. I haven't needed to be since being with you. I got to thinking about how halves of couples go on about the freedom of alone time and they relish being able to "do whatever they want" ... Well we do that together and that's how I like it. There's nothing, absolutely nothing I can think of doing that I wouldn't rather do with you. 

A particular highlight for me was seeing a woman pushing a pram with dogs in it! And another lady with a little poochie was passing a cd stall where the owner had his little dog just sat on top of the stock. The lady brought her little dog over to say hi and set it down next to the other. The little dogs got really excited and cds went EVERYWHERE. I found it really comical anyway.

After my break I went around the shops again, looking for a little gift for you or something but couldn't find anything that I thought you'd like. Instead I purchased some Worry Dolls. I know you have some and seeing them, I felt compelled to buy them. They're safe in my purse and can share my thoughts.

Then I took them and myself to the animal pens and sat there with them, I liked the company of the pigs, goats, cow, pony, sheep and chickens, despite the smell. They didn't seem to mind me, I wasn't bothering them and they weren't bothering me. I watched the piggies for a while. I remembered coming here in 2008 and seeing baby piglets and wondered if they are the same pigs. They were very sweet, all snorty and rummagey. At one point they were snuggling each other in the head and it made me giggle - I got some photographs of them- I know you'd have liked them.

I was sat on the very bench where I had my photo taken with my Mum those four years ago and couldn't help think about how so much had changed. I know I wouldn't be caught dead in the outfit I had on back then now anyway haha! It was a bit of thinking time for me and I did sit there for a good half an hour. The lady in the shop must have thought I was weird. I guess I did look out of place all dressed up as I was, sat a bench with hay and mud all around next to a pig pen. But I felt safe with the animals, they just carried on their business.

Back here in 2008 I was in the free fall of anorexia and here I was 4 years later still battling. The farmers market it full of incredible food and yet again I'd found myself here unable to participate, not enjoying my experience for the fear. It took me 45 minutes in the end but I got myself up and purchased a warm apple fritter, they are famous here and everyone in my Mums office said I had to try one. I ate it, I ate it as a massive fuck you to the voices in my head, a fuck you to the prisoner my illness has kept me and for how anorexia was the reason I was sitting on that bench on my own anyway. 

We're going to come here together next year Sausage and we can visit the pigs and eat warm apple fritters together. 

Nine days down,

Nine days closer to us being triumphant. 

Love Mousey x