Day Three - Autumn

AM

I woke up at 5am, I was ready to roll over and give you a cuddle and fall back to sleep as is routine but of course you weren’t there … I felt all out of kilter and had to get up. I’m still fuzzy from my meds. I guess I feel the best early in the morning since you’ve been gone. It’s nicer that the world is quiet, everything feels slow and more on my pace. After about 10am I am useless – my heart’s racing so fast that I feel a constant need to scream … my body knows that something is really not right; it knows that half my spirit is missing.

I made an appointment for later this morning with my GP (see without being told to!) – might see if there is something she can suggest that may be able to slow me down on a more steady basis. I’m not a great believer in medication for things of the mind, but it might just get me through for a while.

It really is eerily still today, no wind – if I didn’t know better I think I could imagine myself as being completely alone on the planet right now – I guess that is how I feel anyway. This is not a “woe is me” type of thing, I don’t feel I am hard done to or sorry for myself particularly … it’s just how I’m experiencing things. I do feel alone even when I’m not. People, friends, family etc have been absolutely wonderful, I feel bowled over by the amount of messages and offerings of support I have been given – and to extend to you. I know how blessed I am to have such a wonderful collective but I don’t feel like I can talk just now. Company will always be welcome to pass the time but in terms of “doing” anything for me … I guess nobody really can, because the only thing I really need is you.

I’m going to take the letter you wrote me to the SEED support group today. I’m going to try and read it. Quinn is coming along for the journey (to sit in the car and play her DS lol) and then I’m going to attempt to drive us over for to visit you. I think I may cope better driving in the day time … threw myself right in the deep end yesterday… but I did prove to myself that I can do it. I think we’re both surprising ourselves with our resilience and ability to cope. I mean that about you too, though I doubt you’re viewing yourself the same way. Though it causes so much pain to see you cry – I view those tears as droplets of strength… you hardly ever cried at home, mostly because you were shut off to feeling to survive. I think it’s taken immense courage and bravery for you to begin to let them show, to expose yourself to those feelings, even though it’s absolutely terrifying. It shows you care so much BBG, it shows how hard you’re trying.

PM

My doctor was wonderful this morning, she fixed me up with what I needed physically and got me to sit in the room for a while to help calm me down and just talk to me. Upon leaving she put my coat back on to me and gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. How many people’s GP would do that? She said she would give me a call when I am back from Canada to see how I am. She’s looking after me really well physically and that bit of compassion makes a huge difference mentally too – do not worry – I am being looked after.

I walked to the doctors this morning, mostly because I didn’t fancy my chances trying to park Bertie in that tiny, tight car park. I was struck by the beauty of the season as I trundled through Longton, as you know it is my favourite season but I feel so much more in tune with it this year. I really feel as though the leaves are weeping from the trees, but they are tears of release. The trees are getting ready to hold tight for a couple of months of harsh conditions, and perhaps they are frightened, or saddened that the summer is no more … but we both know they will regenerate, regrow and be more glorious than ever come next spring.

I went to SEED group this afternoon. To be honest I just remained light hearted and dismissive, I couldn’t talk about how I was feeling at first regarding you, though of course they asked. I just said “it’s hard”. I drew a butterfly for a while, wanted it for your wall in your room but I wasn’t happy with it – you know I can’t draw. It had to be right for you, maybe I’ll practise over the weeks. Once Gemma came into group I chatted to her for a little while before she took me out of the room for a while. I found it a little harder to hold it together then. She was very good and understanding, to be honest I can’t really tell you what I said or what she said in return but that she reassured me that you were in good hands, no matter how scared you may be. I know this, but I guess I’ll never feel that anyone would be able to make you feel as safe as I would try to.

After SEED I began my journey to try and come and visit you. I got so lost and so upset, I’m glad I had Quinn with me or I think I’d have just lost the plot completely. It wasn’t just the anxiety of being a new driver but the rising panic that time was slipping away from me. All that was running through my head was that, “I have to get to my baby”. It felt like some horrible nightmare as I continued to get lost – like I would never find you again and it was horrible. I’m sorry I was a physically shaking wreck when I finally got to you two hours later … and I’m doubly sorry that as a result we couldn’t spend as much time together.  I feel like such a failure – but I promise I will get better at it.

It was wonderful to see you more upbeat today, the atmosphere on the unit felt better today than yesterday and that reassured me a bit. It really cheered me up to see you had been doing some crafty type things today too. I know you don’t want to make your room too homely because you “don’t want to get too comfortable” but I think it’s important to try and make your living environment more cheerful. I hope you like the additions I brought today and please take good care of Pricilla Queen of the Desert, she can be cheeky.

I calmed down as I spent more time with you, I know it does seem crazy but I know that you are all the medicine I really need, everything feels so out of sorts for me because every part of me, mind, body and soul, knows something is really off balance. I managed the drive home much better, medicated by the visit and spurred on by the knowledge that you’re taking such a strong mental attitude. When we were sat in the garden having a cigarette I was really struck by what you were saying about why you had to do this and to be honest I was floored. I feel guilty that I am not managing better when you are being so incredibly brave… but I will get there.

I’m so excited that you may be granted special leave and sleep at home tomorrow night – it’s more intense than waiting for Christmas. Will need my meds to sleep tonight so that I am fully alert tomorrow evening to extract every second of you being there – I will pray all night that you are allowed out.

Three days down BBG.

Three days closer to spring.

Three done.

Mousey x