AM
My driving test today, I wished so much that you were here to talk me out of the silly things that run through my head about being failure and so on. I am attempting to take a new, kinder tactic, and view that sitting the test is an achievement enough considering all the current circumstances. Passing will just be a bonus. God I really hope I do pass though… I’ll be lying if I turn around and say I’m not bothered.
Last night wasn’t so bad, I managed, mostly because talking on the phone to you helped me so much. I am discovering new things without you here – like that the washing up liquid smells really good – haha! I set up Gingerbread in your chair, with your hot water bottle on her lap – so that out of the corner of my eye as I’m playing on my iPad or whatever it kind of is like you’re sat there, tapping away on your phone or doing your crossword puzzles. I am so grateful you left me some sleepers because they did do the job and I slept through until 6am this morning. I think early nights may need to be a routine thing until I feel less afraid of being alone in the house at night. I placed your pillows under the duvet so that when I got in my usual sleeping position it did feel like you were behind me, spooning me … it was so oddly comforting and I think it’s what helped keep me asleep (along with a nice hefty dose of tranquilisers).
This morning there have been no tears – because I am clinging on to being able to see you later on today for a snuggle. I have armed my face with all the key elements – completed with red lipstick, I’m ready for battle – the show must go on. Mask on – facing the world.
I’m glad I’ve had a lot to think about this morning – passing the time is the thing I have been most afraid of, filling the hours without you so I don’t just notice the how empty everything feels. I’m keeping busy best I can. I’m still aware I haven’t read the letter you have left for me – I’ll get through the driving test first, then I’ll see if I can face it, especially after I will have been able to physically see you today.
I’m trying to hunt down your yellow fisherman coat to bring so you don’t have soggy cigarettes… but in typical fashion I cannot find anything without you here to tell me. I lost my cup of tea 4 times last night and I won’t even begin to count things like my phone etc … you know what I’m like!
PM
So I passed my driving test – God knows how. You were the first person I told, the first person I spoke to. I was mostly elated because it means that now I can visit it you so easily, whenever and daily. I felt so happy I could share good news with you.
Following the test was my first visit to see you in the unit. It was so wonderful to have physical contact, to see, touch and smell you. I won’t lie it did break my heart to see you in there and seeming so vulnerable. It hurts that I can’t stay to make it all okay – I just wanted to bundle you up in my coat and drive off. But I know why you’re in there, we both do and it is for the best. Each day you’re in, each hour, each minute, each second that passes is one closer to being you home and you being free. That’s what I keep telling myself.
My head was all over the place sorting insurance out and things, I do feel guilty for not concentrating more on the task at hand – but in some backwards way (and selfishly) it may have been better for me that way – so that that first visit didn’t feel too awful. Saying goodbye was hard – it was irritating that you had to be escorted to say goodbye – but it stopped me from crying too much.
I wish so badly you could have been there for my maiden voyage in Bertie… but it was probably just as well you didn’t, because I stalled going up the hill trying to get out of the hospital car park and you’d probably have been embarrassed at the amount of times I got over taken. I wished my P plates were flashing with a subtitle of “back the FUCK off” heh. Might make a bumper sticker… Or better still, “I’m a lesbian, I don’t like things up my arse!”.
I’m going to pick Quinn up from the train station shortly but part of me feels so guilty for filling up my time – I feel like I’m not dedicating enough time to just missing you. I know that sounds stupid, I know that is stupid – because there is truly not a SINGLE second when I don’t miss you when I’m not with you … but I feel like I have to keep going, I have to keep busy or I will just stop completely. I’ll be no use to you if I’m just a wreck – I need to be strong for us both. The world doesn’t stop turning even though we may want it to, we may need it to, it just doesn’t and I guess I’m just finding my way of keeping up the pace.
Day two done.
Two down.
Mousey x
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