AM
Was nice to wake up to a message from you this morning :) I was awake from 4:30am today (Canadian time) so at home it would've been 9:30am and that's fairly normal.
It's still dark at the moment and I had my morning cigarette with a cup of green tea with pomegranate under the stars on the front porch. It would've been more romantic if it wasn't only 2 degrees haha!
Today I have a little plan to just get my bearings and plan out my time. Mum is at work today but I asked her to leave her me her camera so that I can take some photographs of the beautiful trees for you. It's a bit odd actually, because I guess today will be the first time I have been really completely alone since you left but I don't feel the anxiety I had been doing. Though it pains me that we are so far apart - I do feel I am going to benefit from this bit of space to myself - so long as I keep being reassured that you are in safe hands. I hope to get some creativity going again, I would like to be able to write with some element of artistry to it ... instead of pages of rambles.
I have been freezing since I got out of Bertie at Preston train station yesterday morning so this morning I enjoyed a gloriously hot, long shower. I was pretty pink when I got out - you'd have been impressed, but it didn't quite rival your lobster look when you get out of one of your insanely hot baths! I didn't even contemplate about what to wear today - I put the black jeans on that you bought straight away. I wanted something comfy and unpretentious. You have made me into a changed woman! I'm rocking "Snuffy Chic" in skinny jeans, baggy jumper, hat and arm warmers. I feel much cosier now.
PM
I did go on my walk this morning and it was just such a beautiful morning, but very cold. I took some pretty pictures and have posted them up on Facebook so you can see. I am doing my best to enjoy being here. I am loving being with my Mum and I am truly happy to be here and spending time with her - but I know I am depressed. It's just learning to manage that and be as kind to myself as possible. I enjoy being with my Mum so much and I will have fun - it's just alone that it feels like a light has been turned off.
I miss you so much. I have an ache in my heart that only you can fill, a pain that can only be eased by being held by you. That isn't to say I don't care about anyone else - or that I am unhappy to be here. It's just difficult to explain. I knew I was going to miss you - but I had no idea just how hard this would be. I feel disconnected with the world - I can see it outside of me but I feel like I'm detatched. Locked in my own silence at times. It doesn't last for long periods of time - and I guess that was the importance of coming out here - to challenge that with pleasurable activities. Intersperse the grey.
During our conversation online, when we both left for a cigarette - I stood up a little felt like I was going to implode with the heaviness in my heart. I went and sat myself outside on the roof and the heat of the sun was beating down on me with great heat but I felt dark. Like my body weighed thousands of tonnes- pulled inwards from the solid mass that is my heart. My blood had stopped pumping - I had concrete in my veins. I didn't breathe and I felt like my vision went black. I couldn't see for a few minutes. To be honest I thought I couldn't cope with the grief anymore - the knowledge of you hurting is too much to bare at times. But when I was able to look up and out at the world again - I noticed a long silvery line ... and at first I thought it was a crack in my sunglasses but it was definitely there and swaying in the slight breeze. It took me quite a while to realise that it was a single thread of a spider web - starting from the fence post of the garden next door - and I couldn't see where it lead too. To my amazement - after a good couple of minutes of figuring it out - I traced it to the tree in our garden. At least six meters high - that single spider web stretched over the top of the garage to that fence post. It must've been at least fifteen meters long. From a single spider. It must've flown ... in fact surely it's not possible - but there it was, in plain sight. And it made me realise that though things made seem impossible they do occur ... nature is incredible. That spider won't have realised just how incredible what it had achieved was. I'm still blown away. If I had had the capacity I would've cried at the wonder of what I'd witnessed - what that tiny little spider had just proved to me.
I feel like I can't write anymore today. The words will come back.
This is day six down angel. Day six ... that has proved to be so very testing for us both. Both we're still here - though it might not feel like it sometimes - our hearts do still beat.
There will be light again soon.
Mousey x
Was nice to wake up to a message from you this morning :) I was awake from 4:30am today (Canadian time) so at home it would've been 9:30am and that's fairly normal.
It's still dark at the moment and I had my morning cigarette with a cup of green tea with pomegranate under the stars on the front porch. It would've been more romantic if it wasn't only 2 degrees haha!
Today I have a little plan to just get my bearings and plan out my time. Mum is at work today but I asked her to leave her me her camera so that I can take some photographs of the beautiful trees for you. It's a bit odd actually, because I guess today will be the first time I have been really completely alone since you left but I don't feel the anxiety I had been doing. Though it pains me that we are so far apart - I do feel I am going to benefit from this bit of space to myself - so long as I keep being reassured that you are in safe hands. I hope to get some creativity going again, I would like to be able to write with some element of artistry to it ... instead of pages of rambles.
I have been freezing since I got out of Bertie at Preston train station yesterday morning so this morning I enjoyed a gloriously hot, long shower. I was pretty pink when I got out - you'd have been impressed, but it didn't quite rival your lobster look when you get out of one of your insanely hot baths! I didn't even contemplate about what to wear today - I put the black jeans on that you bought straight away. I wanted something comfy and unpretentious. You have made me into a changed woman! I'm rocking "Snuffy Chic" in skinny jeans, baggy jumper, hat and arm warmers. I feel much cosier now.
PM
I did go on my walk this morning and it was just such a beautiful morning, but very cold. I took some pretty pictures and have posted them up on Facebook so you can see. I am doing my best to enjoy being here. I am loving being with my Mum and I am truly happy to be here and spending time with her - but I know I am depressed. It's just learning to manage that and be as kind to myself as possible. I enjoy being with my Mum so much and I will have fun - it's just alone that it feels like a light has been turned off.
I miss you so much. I have an ache in my heart that only you can fill, a pain that can only be eased by being held by you. That isn't to say I don't care about anyone else - or that I am unhappy to be here. It's just difficult to explain. I knew I was going to miss you - but I had no idea just how hard this would be. I feel disconnected with the world - I can see it outside of me but I feel like I'm detatched. Locked in my own silence at times. It doesn't last for long periods of time - and I guess that was the importance of coming out here - to challenge that with pleasurable activities. Intersperse the grey.
During our conversation online, when we both left for a cigarette - I stood up a little felt like I was going to implode with the heaviness in my heart. I went and sat myself outside on the roof and the heat of the sun was beating down on me with great heat but I felt dark. Like my body weighed thousands of tonnes- pulled inwards from the solid mass that is my heart. My blood had stopped pumping - I had concrete in my veins. I didn't breathe and I felt like my vision went black. I couldn't see for a few minutes. To be honest I thought I couldn't cope with the grief anymore - the knowledge of you hurting is too much to bare at times. But when I was able to look up and out at the world again - I noticed a long silvery line ... and at first I thought it was a crack in my sunglasses but it was definitely there and swaying in the slight breeze. It took me quite a while to realise that it was a single thread of a spider web - starting from the fence post of the garden next door - and I couldn't see where it lead too. To my amazement - after a good couple of minutes of figuring it out - I traced it to the tree in our garden. At least six meters high - that single spider web stretched over the top of the garage to that fence post. It must've been at least fifteen meters long. From a single spider. It must've flown ... in fact surely it's not possible - but there it was, in plain sight. And it made me realise that though things made seem impossible they do occur ... nature is incredible. That spider won't have realised just how incredible what it had achieved was. I'm still blown away. If I had had the capacity I would've cried at the wonder of what I'd witnessed - what that tiny little spider had just proved to me.
I feel like I can't write anymore today. The words will come back.
This is day six down angel. Day six ... that has proved to be so very testing for us both. Both we're still here - though it might not feel like it sometimes - our hearts do still beat.
There will be light again soon.
Mousey x
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